Quote of the Moment:

    "It's the 'dar. You just feel it."

Pause

Happy Belated/Ongoing/Upcoming Christmahannukwanza and New Year!

I've been appreciatively distracted this holiday season...I'll focus again--later. :)

Apples to Bananas

"Hey dude! Long time no see! I'd like you to meet melody, the love of my life."
...

Okay, it may have been a little overboard at the time and in hindsight, but it sure beats not getting a title at all.

Midnight meandering

Having browsed a bit of FB, I'm moved to make the comment that not enough people mark down their relationships. Okay, yes, who's business is it anyway? But in the end, if I was in a relationship that I could boast about, I'd be shoving it in everyone's face...even if it was in a such a subtle way like making sure my "Relationship Status" said "In a Relationship." Why wouldn't you want people to know you were happy in love with another?

But hey, that's just me. And that's coming from a lazy-to-non-FBer.

I wrapped a mountain of gifts tonight, wandered through a 24-hour WalMart, and made up some cookie dough for a bake-fest tomorrow. The colourful presents strewn about the dining room are the only indicators of the festive season in my house--I hope I can get the tree up tomorrow.

Knowing best

I glance up as she barges in the door, bags of gifts in hand. She is quiet as she lays her load down to pull off her boots and shed her coat. She was gone most of the evening, and returned alone with less than her usual truckload of presents that she usually loves to splurge on at this time of year. I've got the TV on and though it isn't one of my shows, she still putters about in silence.

    "Hey, get it all done?" I ask.
    "Nope," she replies.
    "Oh. Where is he tonight?"
    She shrugs.
    "At home."
    "Mm."

She gathers up all that she'd strewn about and leaves to head up to her room. I don't bother to ask what's wrong because I know she'll tell me nothing. But that's okay; I know she'll be fine. I know my own daughter.

As it is

"Distractions" - Zero 7

Fancy a big house
Some kids and a horse
I can not quite, but nearly,
Guarantee a divorce

I think that I love you
I think that I do
So go on mister
Make Miss me Mrs you

I love you, I love you, I love you, I do
I only make jokes to distract myself
From the truth
From the truth

Fancy a fast car
A bag full of loot
I can nearly guarantee
You'll end up with the boot

I love you, I love you, I love you, I do
I only make jokes to distract myself
From the truth
From the truth

I love you, I love you, I love you, I do
I only make jokes to distract myself
From the truth
From the truth

Instead of packing

When you're loved, you should never feel lonely. However, it is absolutely possible to feel lonely when you're in love.
...

A quarter-tank of gas, half the city, and several hours later, I managed to purchase one third of a gift. It's going to be worth it once I get my hands on the other two thirds.
...

The best gift is the one that you didn't know you wanted, but once you see it, you have no idea how you'd been with out it. And to think that someone else picked it out for you first.
...

I am a sentimental sap. I like the snow. I love the lights. I adore the Jack Frost nipping at my nose.
...

I'd take a gift that means something over a gift that breaks the bank anyday.
...

I need to watch Love Actually, but it's going to make me cry.

Family Dinner

His arm is slung casually across the back of her chair as she leans forward animatedly to tell her story; when she leans back, his arm drops to rest around her shoulders, pulling her close. While listening to the other conversations at the table, he leans over often to smell her hair, or place a kiss on her temple--her smile widens every time.

Later, they snuggle closer and snap silly pictures of themselves on his camera phone. Together they choose one to be his wallpaper.

I feel ridiculous, jealous of a teenaged romance.

When it just lands in your lap...

"Thank you, Universe!"

I'm sorry, I don't speak stupid

This is exactly the sort of question/answer pairing I get when I go out with MBA...

    "Are you hungry?"
    "Yes."
    "What do you want to eat?"
    "Yes."

Ugh.

Accidentally intimate

Crash Parallel

...

It was a date a year in the making. An awesome date.

Not downgraded

Probably unlike most others of the city, I was looking forward to the winter storm they were calling for. Big, huge, fat, lazy, drifting flakes of snow; falling from the glowing sky, to land and accumulate on the streets and sidewalks, decorating the winter wonderland that is as yet barren and bleak.

Instead, there is rain. Rain and slush and sleet and wet.

So, I shall while my evening away here in bed, smiling to myself as I read and re-read words about a love irrevocable.

D. U. Influenced

Baby, baby, don't be late
The world is ending I can't change
The way I feel about you now
.
Lost in the music, in the music
..

Standing at the edge
The edge of it all
Spitting off the top
Watch the day unfurl
Cannot see the view from this place
Clouds are on the rise
world is out of faith
Took another pill to find my way
Hope that you'll be there
.

'Cause this is my way out of it tonight
...

Well, tomorrow night, really. :D

Shut down

...it's...only...Wednesday...

*sigh*

Oh so punny...

Why doesn't anyone like playing with Tigger?
Because he's always playing with Pooh.

Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he can NeverNeverLand

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

What did the Mamma Tomato say to Baby Tomato when he fell behind?
Catch-up.

What did the Baby corn say to the Mommy corn?
Where's Pop corn?
...

Thanks roomie!

Okay, now it's Edward-time...

The Unquenchable Thirst

In less than a week, I've managed to plow through the first 2 books of the Twilight series and have already made a huge dent in the third. This is while traveling cross-country and while organizing and running major events throughout the week.

I. can't. stop.

The only reason I ever stop reading is because I have to, never because I want to. I caught myself still reading this morning sometime after 5am. I was scheduled to leave for the airport at 11am.

Vampire stories have always been my reading-list weakness.

Love stories get me every time.

I have been bitten and I can't stop the venom from spreading...what they have feels so familiar.

(Box-set...here I come!)

In the wee hours

Edward and Bella.

I'm in love with Love. Again.

...not that I ever could have stopped...

Growing green

    "Excuse me, where's the recycling?"
    "We don't have recycling,"
    "You mean I have to throw this in the garbage?"
    "Yeah."
    *sigh*
...

I love the fact that children nowadays have been taught so well about the environment and all the ways they can pitch in to conserve it.

You can also tell the obvious gaps from the automatic actions instilled in the different generations. Older generations won't litter, but they use whatever method of disposal is made most easily available to them. My generation will make a conscious effort to sort garbage and recycling, but will turn to the trash if there isn't recycling. The youngest generation of today has a tough time just tossing something if there's a better way to get rid of it.

I love it.

And then there's the lights thing. I notice when I have to follow someone through the house, turning off the trail of lights left on because of the generation gap...me being of the younger one, of course.

The generation gap isn't confined to the environmental aspect either. Another I've noticed is the seatbelt fad. For me, it's automatic; I climb into the car and my seatbelt goes on. And really, it's the same way for most. But I couldn't help but notice that if anyone were to forget, it's because they were of the generation before seatbelts were mandatory.

*snore*

When I first thought of this post, I really thought I might have more to say, or have more of a point to make...seems I was wrong. Ah well. It's been a while anyway...maybe I'm out of practice.

Quotes from a Secret Life

    "The world will give you that once in a while, a brief, time-out; the boxing bell rings and you go to your corner, where somebody dabs mercy on your beat-up life."

    "Quietness has a strange, spongy hum that can nearly break your eardrums."

    "When I turned to the window, there was no one there. Not that I had expected there would be."
...

I wish I could sleep forever. It's been soooooooo busy, but it's going to be soooooooo worth it.

I Remembered

Remember, remember the Fifth of November,
The Gunpowder Treason and Plot,
I can think of no reason
Why the Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot.

Yes we can

History was made today. History is made everyday. But tonight, I rushed home to watch it happen.

Graciously, courageously, assertively, and inspiring, a new face was chosen to fill a role 200 years-old.

This is the first time I paid attention.


...

I went to see The Sound of Music tonight; the same night as the US Presidential Election. My reading aloud of the updates I was receiving via BlackBerry during the breaks were just as crowd-capturing as the show itself. Strangers clamoured not just to get to the lobby, but to find a spot admist the masses from which they could hear me better.

    "Who's ahead?"

    "Which state did you say?"

    "Was that 206 or 209?"

    "How many do they need?"

It was the closest I'd ever come to realizing my far-fetched dream of being a newscaster. It was so neat to see not only that text could cause such a stir, but that so many were caught up in the same current, not just riding the wave, but cheering it on all the way to shore.

I was in such a positive mood that I accidentally told someone the Leafs won when really, they'd only tied. Whoops. Not that it made a difference...tonight wasn't about the Leafs or even about the theatre; it was about some thing bigger. It was about the future. It was about hope. It was about change.

Spilled

    "You look unimpressed."
...

Four cocktails and two beers into the night, and the truth was spilled. Love and logic can been seen as related but opposing factors of the life of any relationship, but the secret spilled was that logic was bullshit.

    "It's all about how passionately you want something to work."
...

Perhaps unimpressed, but full of stubborn passion.
...

Music can have the same effect of a good masssage--the right song and you can just feel any tension just melt away.

On her sleeve

    "What's she doing?"
    *shrugs* "She's cleaning."
    "Why?"
    *shrugs*
...

    "What?"
    "What are you doing?"
    "Cleaning."
    "Why?"
    "Why not?"
    "Are you okay?"
    "I'm fine. I'm fine--why?"
    *shrugs*
...

I spend everyday amongst my family. They know better.

Prior to this post, I put away a full load of dishes, then hand-washed all that was in the sink and on the counter. Then I scrubbed the bathroom clean and repaired the shower curtain. After that, I crawled up onto my bed and stared at nothing for no less than 30 minutes. Sometimes I wish I could just turn my brain off because it's just so good at writing stories.

Like the white rabbit

He hands her the bag. She thanks him. In turning to leave, they find they're heading in the same direction.

His pace is brisk, and she finds she has to nearly trot to keep up with him; he's not trying to leave her behind, but he's not exactly waiting either. As they weave their way through the crowds, she tries to make conversation with him. She tells him about her new job, about how her parents are doing, she asks him about himself. His answers are brief and concise...if he answers her at all.

While she's already passed her street, they've finally reached the point of no return. He makes an offer for her to join him at his next destination, but a quick glance over him and she knows he's not looking for company. She declines, but thanks him again. Without breaking stride or even pausing for formalities, they exchange goodbyes and she turns down the next street as he continues on. She watches his back retreat into the crowded downtown throng of late-night shoppers, then turns to cross the road after she loses sight of him.

She wonders where he disappeared to.
...

There are some people who just want to be left alone, and you can't explain it through any fault of your own. But that's just the way they'd rather it to be, and you have to respect it if you want to remain just lucky enough to catch sight of them once in a while.

Across a universe of topics

Single.
Female.
Freshly over the hill of her twenties.

Loves the written word. Enjoys long walks through the nocturnal city, and always up for an adventure, especially when it involves food. Loves dogs and surprisingly cats as well. Fond of all animals in general, actually. Will try anything once. Tries to learn a new thing everyday--is admittedly a bit of a nerd, but balances it out with a passion for volleyball. Listens to music incessantly, is craftily creative, and wants to have lots and lots of babies. Cooks especially when help is offered with washing the dishes. A really good cudddler.
...

A blast from the past friend admitted wanting to resort to online dating. While I'm not against online love, I've always regarded it as somewhat of a last resort. It tugged on my heartstrings to know that he was going to go that route, but I also saw the point. He wasn't at the point of desperation, but he had used up all his avenues of meeting people.

I've had this discussion before; once your life settles into a comfortable, stable routine, how do you go about meeting anyone new? School has the most random chance meetings, then work allows you to meet new friends, and the friends of friends, but after that, what do you do? Even if you had other avenues of meeting people--sports, hobbies, bars and clubs--after a time those pursuits become just as routine and your sources used up.

Enter the online dating scene.

I actually think that my only "thing" about online dating is the fact that it takes the "chance" out of love. Sure, what are the chances that out of the millions of profiles out there, you'll find the one? But when it comes down to it, you'll find him because you were looking. I've always been in love with the notion of love finding you when you aren't looking.
...

Hey Jude, don't let me down
You have found her, now go and get her
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

Watched Across the Universe tonight with the fam. Dad blasted the volume SO loud. But it was great. I love titillating music and visuals like that. Like a historical fiction, a story is woven through that which already exists. It could have been my raging hormonal levels, but the first couple of numbers made me want to cry because they were so awesome to watch (usually things with awesomeness just give me goosebumps). And of course, I love love-stories.

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you
Tomorrow I'll miss you
Remember I'll always be true
And then while I'm away
I'll write home every day
And I'll send all my loving to you
...

I started a new journal tonight. It was exciting. Especially because I made it pretty. Show you later.
...

I wrote your name into the sky,
But the wind blew it away.

I wrote your name into the sand,
but the waves washed it away.

I wrote your name into my heart,
And forever it will stay.
...

11:30pm

    "Where are you going?"
    "Out."
    "Now? Why?"
    "To write."
...

Sometimes a wealth of information at your fingertips is too much.

Once in a while

Sometimes to get your mind off things, the best thing to do is to sit in a quiet corner, and watch as the world revolves around you for a while.

Quote of the Moment

"Note to the guys: all women are crazy. You just gotta pick the one whose craziness you can live with the easiest."

Gobble Gobble!

And gobble you should! Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I hope your dinners and gathering are as random and wonderful as mine. :)

I live in a city

Sex and the City

I spent the evening in sweats too comfortable to be my own, so, accordingly, I made myself comfortable. Then, at first, it was only because I'd screwed up a line of my knitting that I finally noticed and HAD to fix, but then, even after I'd seen the "NO" that broke (breaks) my heart, I couldn't stop.

If guys were ever to find themselves stuck on what to say to a girl about anything, a smart (and very patient) guy just has to pick up any copy of any chick flick and the answers--though he may not agree with or understand any of them--are all there.

Being such a popular movie (amongst the ladies) I thought I would have no trouble finding all of the quotes that I wanted to use from the movie to write about here. Apparently the audience who paid enough attention to the movie to then select and compile what they considered to be the best and most important quotes has a very different option of words from myself.

In lieu of the exact words, I'll make up some of my own.

---
When having trouble with something, you're thinking too much. Put whatever it is that you're stuck on away, climb into bed, and get a good sleep. When you wake up in the morning, you'll know what you have to do.

Sometimes you just have to put all of your logic aside and just go with what you feel.

How do you know that something that hurt you so badly, that's been apologized for and forgiven (though not forgotten) won't happen to you again?

Love is about you and me, and no one else. Just you and me.

Just show up and say "I will love you" and that's enough.
---

And then there was the whole idea of wiping the slate clean. When you love someone so much, despite what they may have done to you or you have done to them, an option is not to necessarily forget, but to forgive and leave whatever it was in the past and move forward together. Even though this was the second time I watched the movie, the idea never really occured to me--maybe I wasn't paying attention. He had never meant to hurt her, she had never meant to drive him away, and then after months of apologies and talk, they met on the bridge and left it behind them together. When you love someone enough, nothing's impossible. When the one you love is by your side, you can do anything.

"Ever thine ever mine ever ours."

Spotless Lunch

Having used all my liquid cash on dinner last night, I had to spend more than $4 in order to use my debit card across the street. I'm too full. On a small soup and small sandwich. Sometimes you don't feel hungry, but you know you have to eat.
...

    "Constant talking isn't necessarily communicating."

    "Is there any risk of brain damage?"
    "Well, technically speaking, the operation is brain damage, but it's on par with a heavy night of drinking."

    "Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours."

    "I wish you had stayed."
    "I wish I had stayed too. NOW I wish I had stayed. I wish I had done a lot of things. I wish I had... I wish I had stayed. I do."
[...]
    "Joely? What if you stayed this time?"
    "I walked out the door. There's no memory left."
    "Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Let's pretend we had one."
    "Bye Joel."
    "I love you..."

Not rose-coloured

My left contact lens is having trouble sitting comfortably in my eye. It's not dry, it's not exactly uncomfortable, but it's just not quite right, and it causing everything to be blurry. It could have been that I got a bit of chlorine in it that didn't soak away, that my eyes aRe just tired from wakefulness, or that it's just time for a new pair, but damn is it annoying!

I fear giving myself a headache.

Reminiscent of the JFC

You don't really stop loving the old, until you start loving the new.
...

And if you don't stop loving the old, even after the new, then maybe you should never have let the old get away.
...

I have never let go angry, but when I have let go, it's been as cleanly as I could have. Once I stopped loving them, I didn't give them a chance to keep loving me. Sometimes, that was the hardest part: to leave them floundering when you know you're the only one who could pull them safely to shore. If it were easy...
...

If it's free and public knowledge, then you can find it on the internet. If you can't find it on the internet, then it's still a secret.

Ponder

How do you know you're in love? How do you know you're not in love? How do you know you've fallen out of love? When do you realize?
...

She arrives home in tears. She's not sure what's wrong; there was no argument, no hatred, but she feels unsettled and hurt. They exchanged I love yous as they parted, but she still can't shake the feeling that it was a farewell with finality, in a way. As she confusedly struggles to gain control over her tears, there is a knock at the door. She opens it.

It isn't Him, but it's still a familiar face. After a wide-eyed pause in the place of a greeting, she falls in silent sobs against him. Bewildered, he instinctively wraps his arms around her and strokes her hair. It surprises him how easily it returns to him, and how he finds himself wondering how he ever let go.

Some time goes by before either comes to themselves. She has calmed down, but misses Him intensely, feeling so empty even without a goodbye. He straightens her up, catching a brief glance at the time, hoping he's not keeping Her waiting. She apologizes for the emotions and the embrace, he assures her it was nothing; hugs are generally free between friends. A quick conversation without explanation, and then he leaves, having returned to her what he borrowed.

He leaves to meet Her at home, and she wearily climbs the stairs to sleep on the side of the bed that isn't hers. She does nothing but think of Him.
...

For love, I've given up an aspect of style, I've taken on a sport, I've defied the rules. I know I'm in love when I don't think anything is impossible for the one I love; I'm willing to lay it all on the line. I haven't loved them all, they haven't all loved me, and yes, I've been wrong before, but I've learned from my mistakes. Always, the worst was when I realized that I just didn't love him enough.

Dependable Part II

Though it's not exactly regarding the same topic as the other, it's still related.

In discussing the previous entry with my Roomie, we realized two other things. The first was that girls tend to respond well to positive enforcement. Throw in a few compliments (especially if you've never given them before) and she's a pile of goo in your arms. Show some appreciation for her point of view, and she'll trust you more than you've warranted. That little bit of softness from those otherwise hard-asses and she'll be blinded back into love. A little sad, but true.

The second thing we realized, was that girls love to believe they can change a guy. Give her a jerk-off, and she'll believe that she's the one destined to change him into that soft-hearted, teddy bear of a nice guy that she believes he's always wanted to be. And then, linking back to our first point, that's where it's a vicious circle that traps her with him. At the first sign of softness, she believes she's succeeding on her "make him nice" mission. Again, it's sadly true.

Hopefully girls who fall victim of believing she can change him, will realize soon enough that she can't; no one can.

Digression...you can't change anyone. They're who they are because that's who they are. To love someone, you have to love them for exactly who they are and everything that they are. If you don't like something about them, you're either going to have to accept it and get over it, or let go, because the probability that they're going to change is slim to none. It is my belief that you cannot change someone, and I know I'm not the only one to think this.

Changing someone requires more than you demanding it--that person has to want to change too. The key here being the want to change. It's easy to stop or start doing something because someone asks you to. But it's up to you to want to keep up that cessation or beginning over time. If that change doesn't mean enough to you to keep it up, you'll find yourself falling back into your old habits--and really, just being yourself--after enough time.

But then, if you decide that you want to make a change for yourself, then that's a different story. If you choose to take a suggestion and follow it because you believe it will better yourself, then just let anyone try to stop you from changing.

Examples?

Take swearing (what a weak example, I know). Let's say I cursed a blue streak in my everyday conversation. And then I meet a guy, who, a few months into our relationship asks me to cut it out. Blindedly infatuated and wanting to be compliant, I do. But if I don't feel the same, my jokes and stories don't have the same impact, and I just feel restricted, chances are that I'm going to revert back to at least a moderate amount of cursing; especially if I don't think a few four-lettered words ever hurt anyone. I tried, but it just wasn't me.

However, given the right motivation, perhaps I could choose to give it up and give it up permanently. What if I continued my blue-streaked conversations right up through the birth of my first child and found that my child's first word ever was a four-lettered one? Perhaps that would horrify me enough (it would) to make me change immediately and for good.

What a digression. The point? People don't change just because they're asked. They may attempt to, but the permanent changes don't happen unless that individual wants it for themselves. I think only once in my life have I ever witnessed someone change because they were asked to; what was asked and the person asking meant for a positive future, and she meant that much to him.

I won't ask for change. At least, I won't ask for change that can't be reasonably expected. I try not to. I know. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Oh, the real point--the one related to the beginning of the post--girls, don't blindly believe that you can change them. If it was that bad for so long, don't you think someone's already tried? Love him (her) for who he is, not what you wish he would be. That's how I do it.

Hindsight

    "Have you ever been in a relationship and not been in love?"
    "Sure I have."
    "Oh yeah? When?"
    "Right now."
    "Ah."
...

I don't regret what I've done in my past. I may have regretted some of the things I didn't do, but I can't think of much that I wouldn't do again. Life hasn't been exactly a walk in the park for me, but the things I did and the subsequent events that followed have all made me who I am today, and that, I have no regret over.

Wittgenstein's rhinoceros story

Every piece of art tells a story. When someone brings an idea to life, a story is told, and it is up to the individual experience to try to learn that story. To hear it, read it, see it, feel it. While an artist can only hope that you will see the messages in art the way s/he wants to you, there is a guarantee that you will look and you will at least wonder.

There is no rhinoceros.

Wittgenstein. Even if you don't believe that a piece is art, you're thinking about it in the context of art which is all that an artist would like you to do. Why is something art? What makes it art? What is the message it is trying to convey? What is the story being told?

There's always more than one story, and maybe that's why I like art so much--all mediums. Because even the times when I don't "get it" and don't understand the story that the artist was trying to have me see, I'll still see a story. The story of how something was inspired, or maybe how the materials are holding together, or how a certain part was crafted. And even if these stories that I give to these pieces are wrong, they're still stories and they've still got me thinking, regardless if it was in the wrong direction. That's what it's all about, isn't it? About thinking?

Oh, I went to Nuit Blanche this weekend, by the way. I loved it, as usual; I got to write so many stories for myself that night. Next year, uninterrupted and in my own shoes I plan to walk from dusk till dawn.

Quotes of the Moment:

"We're smart people. We'll make it work."
    --Janet Hartigan (Sarah Jessica Parker), Smart People

"Ando, what are you doing?"
"I'm being awesome!"
    --Hiro and Ando, Heroes
...

We just recently got satellite. I still only watch TV on occassion, and usually later on at night when everything else I've needed to do has been done. But as it turns out, it would seem that if I don't take the plunge and turn it off assertively at my first chance, it's going to be a movie a night...at least.

The Matrix Reloaded
Run, Fat Boy, Run
Smart People

So far, it's been alright.

Oh, and sorry if the posts have been down-sounding. I'm okay. I really am. It's just that you find inspiration in the weirdest places sometimes. But thanks for checking, ye-who-I-can-no-longer-call-by-your-maiden-name-without-stumbling. :)

Having thought about it

He ruefully explains to her how he felt when he decided he wasn't good enough for her on the he left her at the altar:

"I thought spoiling your day might be better than ruining your life."
...

It was an emotional sort of day for me today; my eyes are sore from tears. I suppose watching "Run, Fat Boy, Run" just really got to pushing all those buttons.

A non-answer answer

Perhaps you're not sharing because you've gone through periods of uncertainty, doubt, and frustration, fighting for something or a connection that no one else could possibly understand at this point?
...

The thing I liked most about this was that it wasn't advice, it wasn't an answer, and it wasn't a judgement, but it was comforting. Yes, perhaps.

Dreamer

My idea of romance is that it's not perfect, but that lovers' quarrels start in the kitchen, chase out into the streets, and then end in kisses in the rain. And then they never stop making it up to each other.

Dependable

In reading some past writing, something dawned on me this evening. I know why the nice guys finish last; why the girls always go for the assholes.

It's that whole "setting the bar low" concept. Nice guys set the bar at a standard that wonderful to begin with. They're sweet and thoughtful all the time so that a girl grows to be accustomed to it. The first time he slips up even a little--he forgets a certain date, calls too late, doesn't send flowers--it's a big deal because typically, he's always so great. Poor guy. Probably didn't even mean to do what he did.

And then there are the jerk-offs. They set the bar so low that anything close to acceptable behaviour suddenly seems like a gift wrapped in gold. They never call, they never remember, they never give mementos or gifts. And you'd think that he'd be called out on it right away, and I bet that he usually is, but then suddenly, a few kind words, dinner, and a sweet kiss goodnight, and he's Romeo compared to what he usually is. No where CLOSE to as consistently sweet as the Nice guy, but compared to what he's normally like, what girl could resist?

The lesson, boys? Set the bar at a level at which you can keep it. Sure you want to woo your woman at the beginning, but don't do it and then stop when you get her. The only reason she signed up in the first place was for what you promised to give her; if you can't keep your promise, then what's to keep her from leaving? Sooner or later, that jerk-off that had the girl, will lose the girl because here's to hoping that she'll realize she's better than that.

To set me free

Truth. That's all I need. That's all I want. To hear the truth, to tell the truth, to be true to myself.

I understand that sometimes the truth can hurt, but more often than not, it hurts me more to keep the truth from coming out. Even if you never lie, you'll find yourself trying to keep track of the truths you didn't tell.
...

My birthday's in a couple of weeks. Like Dimps, I've been having a little trouble with keeping track of the countdown this year. It's not because I'm afraid of my age, I'm afraid of the celebration.
...

I can't remember the last time I was this quiet.

Still looking

Of all the people in the world, of all the people that you're convinced are chasing after my affection, I chose you. It's you I want, it's you I'm with. I don't know what else to do to make you believe that. It's you I love. You and no one else.
...

Sometimes, even when you love someone with all of your heart, it still isn't quite enough. And it's not anyone's fault. Sometimes the one you love so much just needs more, and you just can't give it to them if you tried. Sometimes the way that you love with your all, isn't the way that you're supposed to be loving. Sometimes your idea of love just doesn't match the other's idea. And that's okay. But in order for it really to be okay, is for the two of you to realize that all of that love may be beautiful, but it isn't enough to keep going. And it's no one's fault. It happens. No one ever said it was going to be easy.

So far, it's been that there wasn't enough, that it wasn't the right way, that it just wasn't, and that it didn't match. And while I realized it was okay, I think I was the only one who did. It wasn't easy, but I still believe.

Departures

At some ungodly hour of the morning today, I found myself awake, trying to peer through the condensation on my car windows as I picked up a friend to drive him to the airport. I am not a morning person. I am not one who likes to be early. And yet there I was, up before the sun, racing to get him onto his flight. Because while I’m not one to be early, not one to like leaving my bed before having to, I AM one to who believes in having a ride to the airport.

Perhaps there’s a bit of it that’s morbid thinking, but for the most part, who wants to leave home feeling that no one noticed that you were gone? With someone there to see you to the departures gate, you have a real farewell of a sort, even if it’s not necessarily the most intimate one. Someone was there to make sure you got there safely, to wish you well, and to tell you that they’d see you again soon. What if --and here’s the negatively-thinking part--what if the last person you sat in a car with and said goodbye to was the anonymous limo driver you’d never see again anyway?

And then there’s the coming home. My favourite time to come home from being away is when being picked up by the one I love. My dear family is always there to get me should I need, and always ever curious as to how my trip was, but it’s not the same greeting as when greeted by Him. When He’s there to welcome me home, it’s an all-enveloping hug--both arms and legs-—and deep, I-needed-you-kiss...luggage left unattended and some distance away to allow for the running start. It’s my favourite gesture to remind me just how good it is to be home again.

While that’s my favourite time to come home, I can only imagine that it would be for anyone else. And that’s why, while I may not be that Her for any of them, I’ll head to the airport anytime I can, for anyone that may need it—for anyone who may need a warm welcome home.


...

I was in PEI this past weekend; I watched two close, personal friends get married.

I came into my office yesterday to a weeping officemate—-her sister just announced she was pregnant.

Tonight, I’m going to spend an evening with some of my best and longest-time friends, some who are married, all who are in couples.

...tick...tick...tick...
...

How do you even begin to get the toothpaste back into the tube after it’s been squeezed too hard?

I stick by it; I'd rather know than not.

Point duly noted

    "Relationships always work better when the guy is more in love with the girl than the other way around."

With feeling

    "Would you come back for me?"
    "Yes."
    "Would you be able to stay away?"
    "No."
...

Most of the time, it's not about the words. It's about the sound of need in a person's voice.
...

    "Don't cry, you'll make me cry."
    "...don't cry..."
...

And sometimes all you need is someone's voice to waver before you crack yourself.

The moment

Blogs--journals, for that matter--are made up of moments in time. Each entry is a snapshot of a moment of emotions and experiences and thoughts. What may be true one moment may be null the next, but once in a while those flashpoint feelings make it to the page and are there to be remembered, even if the author's already forgotten.

This moment is about me forgetting all the stresses that followed me home and that await me upon my return to the real world, and about me finding an unwinding second, listening to the sound of the rain and writing about it as I so love to do.

On repeat

    "Ugh, I'm going to make myself cry!"
    "I know! I love this song."
    "It's soooooooooo...argh! ...can we play it again?"
    "YES."
...

He sits there with his guitar and without warning, croons only the following lyrics to you:

You are the reason
For everything that I do
I'd be lost, so lost without you...

A winning Wednesday combination

"I want gaspacho. Ugh; beer and soup?"
"I'm having wine and fries."
"True."

Monday moods

    "Today's one of those days that I really just want to fuck off and talk about my feelings."

    "...because you're usually the rock everyone turns to for stability, but then when you crumble, who do you lean on? What do they do?"
...

I've been struck with a sudden urge to become domesticated. Not for the reason that I want to be tamed, but rather because I want to wildly use up more operational capacity.

Different MC, same slogan

Priceless.

Love is priceless. True love is worth more than money. Any amount. If money is what keeps you apart, then you don't love enough.
...

"The Last Goodbye" - James Morrison

I don't believe you
And I never will
Oh I can't live by your side
with the lies you've tried to instil
I can't take anymore,
I don't have to give you a reason
For leaving this time
Cos this is my last goodbye

It's like I hardly know you
but maybe I never did
It's like every emotion you showed me
you kept well hid
and every true word that you ever spoke
was really deceiving
Now I'm leaving this time
cos this is my last goodbye

I've gotta turn and walk away
I don't have anything left to say
I haven't already said before
and I've grown tired of being used
and I'm sick and tired of being accused
Now I'm walking away from you
and I'm not coming back
...

White guys with guitars have the ability to either cheer you up, or make you cry. Both options are always open.

Wishing

One down, nine-hundred, ninety-nine to go. I already know it'll be worth it.

NYC Quote of the Moment:

"I love taking the train. I read a book, take a nap, stare at titties."
...

Lurvely. I love the randomness of New York. And I love being in this city with the ones I love. I can't wait.

Song of the Moment: "Everything Changes" - Staind

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
Woud it change how you feel?

I am the mess you chose
The closet you cannot close
The devil in you i suppose
'Cause the wounds never heal

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel

Sometimes the things I say
In moments of disarray
Succumbing to the games we play
To make sure that it's real

When it's just me and you
Who knows what we could do
If we can just make it through
The toughest part of the day

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could
Learn how to feel
Then we could
Stay here together
And we could
Conquer the world
If we could
Say that forever
Is more than just a word

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
And would it matter anyway?
It wouldn't change how you feel

Bending the rule

    "No worries dude. You're what, 26? The youngest is 20--you're safe. And besides, the rule is half your age plus 7."
    "Yeah--I got room. Oh, but it's plus 6 if she's really hot."
...

LoL. I'm so glad Golddawg is back to work. Besides being my reliable back-up in case I want to have children but haven't found THE guy (his offer, not mine), he's so awesome for moments like these.

According the the rule, right now, the oldest that can date me is 36, while the youngest I can cougar on is 19.5. Awesome; my horizons are broader than I thought. :p

New York tonight--what a rush!

Could this be my first ever MOBILE post?!

Don't get me wrong; I love Jenny and all. But if I can post from my phone (BB is her name), that means all those times I have to pretend to be using my phone in order to deter interactions from passersby, I won't have to pretend anymore!!!

Ergonomic deterrent?

My computer at work is a ergonomic as I can set it up to be. My keyboard is a natural form, my mouse is not only on the left side, but is also left-handed. My task bar is set to the side of the screen, and hides when inactive. I love it.

My co-worker sat down to borrow my computer for FB yesterday as he was welcome to by me. He got up and left a moment later when he couldn't get anything to work right. Oops. :)

If it doesn't kill you

Study: Cancer risk decreases after age 80

Well duh. If you've made it that long, what can't you survive?

It's been said

How is it that things happen so quickly? A friend falls so
ardently in love one day, then abhors her love the next. Seemingly
recent introductions evolve at lightspeed into engagements and
all of a sudden, so many weddings are in the air. The beginning of
summer brings the start of a season, and in blink of an eye the
season's ending with the culminating tournament that still felt
months away and that I'm now rushing to prepare for. Down to
every little detail, it feels rushed and I'm worrying that I'm
not going to get it all done. But despite the odds, I'm going to
try. There's no doubt about that.
.
.
.

I'm strong, but I'm not invincible.

However, it would seem that I have the right players on my team to get through the tight spots and ensure that it all gets done. Because it will. Not only will it all get done, but it will get done right. That, despite all on my plate, I am not worried about. Resilient and strong, I will always bounce back; even if it takes me a while. I just had to put that out there and spell it out for myself, if no one else.

All about the accessories

    "Man, I'd put on my biggest hoop earrings just so I could walk in there, challenge a fight, and then take those earrings off!"
    --my Latina chica sista, rearing for some action

    "Oh yeah! I wanted to check into some of the jewellery stores to look at necklaces and maybe bracelets. I was also thinking about something for my hair...oh, you were talking about the bridesmaids? Oh, I thought you were talking about me. For your accessories, I don't care; you can wear whatever."
    --Ehbaba, talking about wedding accessories; just not the bridesmaids'
...

hahaha

A light in the dark

...

The cure for any darkness is a little light, and a lot of nerdiness:

    "Not again. The line must be drawn here! This far and no farther! And I will make them pay for what they've done!"
    --Jean-Luc Picard, about to annihilate the Borg

As much as I can abhor logic sometimes (being the whimsical fairytale dreamer that I am), other times, it can make worlds of sense and make you feel much better about yourself. Especially when it proves that you're not crazy. Even more so when it proves your point. I like having so many pinky-fingers on my team, and not all of them have to have a ring to be so elite. Who said it was the thumb that made humans a superior species?

UTC/GMT -5 hours

In search of comfort last night, I scoured the time zones to find one in which it may not have been too late to find a friend. What I found was actually ended up being in my own time zone; I almost forgot that it's never too late for a friend in need.

I was scolded, twice, but still found what I was looking for.

Splattered

SO. MUCH. FUN.

Happy Bachelorette, Ehbaba! What a great way to celebrate--choosing to be shot out of singledom by a bunch of friends, wearing the FIND of a wedding gown for the event! :)

Late night laze

Last night, three of us got together and did absolutely nothing. Actually, I think we took turns falling asleep between intermittent sentences that didn't quite string into conversations. It was excellence.

True

His was the last voice I heard before closing my eyes; we'd spoken for hours. At the end of our conversation, he told me he loved me. I told him I loved him back. I felt a little better.

Again with intensity

It seems like some people are feeling the need to repeat themselves. Me too. Things tend to come to mind again and again when they mean that much to you.

If everyone knew this:

	Men	Women
Driven By	Ego	Emotion
Need	Significance	Security
Sexually	Microwave	Crockpot
Pitfalls	Making fun of a man	Playing with a woman's emotions

(I hope I'm not outing anyone here), they might agree that the following quote was written by a woman who knew how to give a man importance:

I'm going to kiss you. I'm going to kiss you with tongue. I'm going to kiss you so you feel it. Okay?

Okay.

At the moment, I'm feeling a blend of the two gender tendencies: my emotions are driving me to want to feel more significance.
...

I'm going to a friend's wedding tomorrow after only a half a day's work, and I'm just aching to feel excited.
...

I'll repeat too:

Forgive me if I'm keeping you
Apart from better conversation
Hung up on all my doubt
Trying to sort the whole thing out
Tell me that I'm smart enough
To deal with all the information
Spinning inside my head
Every word he ever said

Maybe I can stand alone
Maybe I'm strong as stone
Even though the bird has flown
Maybe he'll fly on home
...

When my mom and dad first started dating, my dad loved going camping and so took my mother along; she followed enthusiastically to spend the time with him doing the things that he loved. Years after they were married, my mother stopped going camping when my dad took us kids--turns out she was never keen on it. She had never liked it to begin with, but went with him anyway because she loved him more than she disliked camping.

I like camping. I enjoy the outdoors. But if a same sort of sacrifice arose for me to make for the one I loved, I would immediately dive right in. That's what love is all about, isn't it?
...

What is the price of a loved one's smile?

I don't know, but I would do anything to see him smile.
...

I miss co-existing. I miss the comfortable silences which calm the thousands of thoughts spinning in my head. I miss being in the safest of environments where no matter what happens, I won't be judged. There are things in your life that you just NEED sometimes. Again, this is one of those times. What I had tonight was close, but it wasn't a sit-under-the-strings-of-Christmas-lights-cuddled-on-the-sinkintosofa-in-the-warmth-of-a-boo-in-the-SAC-office sort of moment. But close.

Distractedly thinking aloud

With a little research, you can discover who is really friends with who, who is crying for attention, or who is trying to run away from it all. All it takes is a little observance.
...

I've had signed flowers, anonymous flowers, postcards, no-reason cards, autographed books, letters, emails, messages, surprise visits, gifts, trips. But what I really want, is a picture in a frame that I didn't put there, and sticky notes in the morning on our bathroom mirror.
...

The conclusion: it's all about the clean break.
...

Every day is a new adventure.

A Poetic Plea

As part of a mini-project at work this morning, I was ordered to scour the pages of the Toronto Star in search for mentions of a certain article. In my hunt for said mentions, I came across a title and an attached blurb that I couldn't resist: "Mystery of the Queensway love signs solved."

Curiousity getting the best of me, I read the column, and then searched backwards for the initial article from Sunday. My heart strings were tugged.

A man in love, without a means of communication, posted signs for the object of his affection all along the route she walked in the mornings. They were quotes of love from writers across the times that he chose because he thought they were specific to the two of them.

    "There is always some madness in love...but there is always reason in the madness."
    "I love you not only for what you are but for what I am when I am with you."
    "He is not a lover who does not love forever."
    "Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other."

All that, and she's turned him down.

Needless to mention, I have a sweet spot for words. While public professions of love could really be a little much for me, if someone loved me so much that he didn't care that others knew or what they thought and tried to flag me down with scrawled notes of love across the highways, he would have 100% of my attention.

I know that when it comes to the written word, I can be a force to be reckoned with. But if he dared to venture into my territory, especially as a lite-rate as I imagine them all to be, with a plea for a second chance, how could I say no?

The ideal idea is to awaken one morning, and if I find that he is no longer next to me, I will instead find notes and notes of loving reminders of how he will be back soon enough, and how he will be missing me just as much as I will be missing him until that moment comes round again when we can be together in each other's arms.

...that's enough. I'm making myself lonely.

By the numbers

At a glance over my archives, June was a wussy month. May's rocking the year so far; glance at that and it screams stay-at-home-emotion. Simply by counting the numbers, one glance could count all my secrets away. Writing is my escapism; if I didn't write, it's because I'd escaped.
...

The Creative SwEEEEt!
"We're all over creativity like a fat kid on cake!
.
.
.
(no offence!)"

Man, that'd be awesome.

The Line

I see you. I know who you are. I know when you come, where you go, when you go. I know how you get here, and I even know why you came in the first place--who brought you here. But what I don't know, is why you keep coming back.

If it's been decided where I stand, then why return, except perhaps the fact that you can't help yourself? A fondness? An obsession? A curiosity? Curiosity can be dangerous; there's more here to harm than you'd expect. Watch out.

Her

We said let it go but I kept on hangin' on
Inside I know it's over you're really gone
It's killing me cause there ain't nothing that I can do
Baby I stay in love with you
And I keep on telling myself that you'll come back around
And I try to front like 'Oh well' each time you let me down
See I can't get over you now, no matter what I do
Baby baby, I stay in love with you.
    --Mariah Carey, "I Stay In Love"

Silver

Tonight I met the Storyteller with many pens, the Muscle with many trades, the world's oldest Puppy, and the sweetest, biggest, living Teddy Bear. They didn't belong to me, but amazing as they were, they still didn't amount to what I have.
...

It's not a line, but it's something to remind me to keep grasping.

In the water

Drowning in my own sea of seething sombreness, I find no one on shore to throw me a line, simply because there's no one else who understands why I'm here.

Yesterday's insulted injury was cutely amusing, but today's was an accidental mortal wound. Recently was I forced to learn what discrimination by association was in order to defend myself from it. Unfortunately, I'm also learning that I can be attacked from both sides.

The characters of stories can be so easily re-cast to fit the script.

Faster Friday

    "Can you please make this day go faster?"
    "Did you want me to sing?"
...

    "Are you singing?"
    "Why, is the day going by faster?"

Thought of the day

It feels exciting because it feels real.
...

Censorship is not so bad when you have a soft-spot for that which censors.

Relentless

    "How've you been?"
    "Not bad, just keeping busy."
    "Keeping busy being 25 and single?"
    "Well, you don't have to TELL everyone that!"
...

And it's true; sometimes you don't want people to know what your status is, Facebook or not, whether you're trying to change it or not.

Sometimes it's nice to have the shield of another, though in this case it's never made a difference. There are always eyes following me, trying to meet mine; there are always compliments said, just a little too loudly to ensure they reach my ears; there are always invitations to join in, even if I'm the only other guest. And awkward as situations can get to be, how do you say "no" to a question that's never been asked of you?

A cure for office PMS

    "Wanna listen to white guys with guitars sing?"
    "YES."
...

John Mayer
Brett Dennen
Gavin Degraw
Paolo Nutini
Jason Mraz
Justin Hines
James Morrison

*sigh* much better.

At the Airport

A familiar back at the airport catches my eye. A shy person by nature, I inhale deeply as I think of what to say.

    “Shouldn’t you be in school?”

The back turns to face me and it takes a moment for his face to crinkle into the sweet smile I can recall in a heartbeat.

    “Shouldn’t you be...somewhere?” he replies. He shifts over in his seat to make room for me to sit down next to him. We exchange the routine greetings before he explains that he is returning from a trip home to visit family—he’s returning on a
weekday to get some more work done before his classes resume.

    “So what are you doing here?”

I in turn explain that I’ve been away, traveling alone in an attempt to find myself and enjoy what little time I have before officially joining the work force.

    “Alone?”

Yes. Voluntarily, yet dreadfully alone.

Our conversation turns to our current endeavours—his new courses, my new job. We speak easily of travel and literature as both of us are fond of those topics. Too soon is his boarding-call announced. We’re both traveling to the same destination, but on different flights. I dread the separation to come.

    “Well, that’s me.”
    “Yeah.”

While our opportunities to speak freely are few, I know that this chance meeting is something I cannot just let pass by. Once back at home, I will have no excuse to accidentally see him again, and knowing myself, I couldn’t muster the courage to purposefully find him.

    “You know, I know that there might have been some issues about us going out for a drink before, but now...now it’s different. I’m working now, it’s been a while...”
    “Yeah, it has been a little time since you were in my class. It seems like only yesterday—I remember a lot about you, you know.”

I smile nervously and cast my eyes downward as I feel the blush creep into my face.

    “Well, I was hoping that, you know, maybe we could, go out for a drink sometime after we both arrive back home?”

There is an excruciating pause as the boarding-call is announced again, and he waits for it to finish before turning back to answer me.

    “You know, I’d really like that.”

I feel a rush of air escape me and realize I’m a little lightheaded as I watch him walk towards his gate. Before disappearing down the corridor, he turns to smile at me, that warm, crinkly smile that I’ve clung to over too long a time. I believe I smile dazedly back, and then he’s gone. Gone but with the promise of returning to my life once more.

Back in the airport, I shake my head and snap to attention as the back that I thought was familiar turns around and I see is actually a stranger to me. I would never have been so brave anyway.

Filling a void

I feel empty. The throbbing ache hurts enough for me to consider a drink. And there's no explanation. All I did was remember.

Memories of a past not so distant. Of friends and laughter, of futures and paths so bright and promising. Pictures of scenes so happy; of couples so in love. Nothing is as it seems on the surface.

A piano serenades my searing solitude from some place beyond the threshold of my confinement. I don't know the song, but it sings to me; a soundtrack to my saddening reverie.

Reminders of late speak and say that life is too short; tomorrow is not a promise. And how to interpret that? Hold on to what you have and keep it dear to you? Or take a leap and strive for the best with the notion that you have nothing to lose? The temptation is to leap--even before looking. Too much thought only confuses the process.

Was the past happy because it was simple? Or is the present complicated because it's passionate? While I've never regretted anything, unexpected mementos can catch me off guard, not knowing how to feel.

I don't want give with a fear of rejection. I don't want to take with the notion of force. I just want to be myself; free-spirited and full of life. I've never been anyone else.

I could wonder and write all night, and I'd never reach a conclusion. Memories of love only battle with reminders of rationale. It's a vicious cycle that I have yet to learn to navigate my way out of this time around.

Quote of the Moment:

    "I'm just going to plan it and tell him about it later."
    "I wish I had a plan-it-and-tell-him-about-it-later-guy!"

London in non-photo photos

So much of London (and really, there's SO much here) cannot be summed up in words (there's just too much detail to describe) nor pictures (because they won't let you take pictures of the best stuff). However, if there's one thing I've realized about London and the history of London, it's that they revel in their bloody history. :) I did my best to take pictures of all that I was allowed, but the really awe-inspiring things were off-limits; hence, these are my non-photo photos.

Every tour I've been on has given me the stories of not just the spectacles of the sites, but of the spectres of the sites as well. Beheadings, executions, burnings and burials have been the backbone of the tour materials. I've been in more crypts than I can count, and seen more monuments to the dead than I can believe. I mean, I guess it's cool that London's made peace with their dead, but man have I ever gotten the creeps lately!

Effigies of a sort...I can't remember if they were killed or just passed on, but either way, they're no longer of the living.

Yup, someone's under there...literally right under your feet.

This picture was creepier when there was a lady sitting on the bench having lunch, with her feet practically resting on the effigy/grave below.

And then of course there's their pride in methods of torture...

The "Scavenger's Daughter" in which, well, I think you can figure it out. Not a comfy position.

Also the "Scavenger's Daughter" but this time the unlucky victim kneels down, bends over, and gets pinned down in that crouch.

And of course the one that needs no explanation, "The Rack." Ouch.

But because London's fond of their dead, they pay their respects properly, by building the right kind of venues.

Westminster Abbey








St. Paul's Cathedral







Like Japan, I went a little trigger happy with the camera (well as much as I could). There's still more, both to share and for me to see, but I felt like I was leaving you all hanging...like a true Londoner. hahaha...*groan*
...

subway = Tube/Underground
take-out = take-away
gas = petrol
(there are more, but I can't think of them right now)

The only two words you need to carry on a long-lasting conversation with a Londoner:
Yeah? Roight (not a typo)

Miss y'all!

One just for those POTter heads...

Goodbye King's Cross, hellooooooo Hogwarts!


Of COURSE it exists!

Oh, the wine...

    "I can't believe you won't MARRY me!"
...

    "Regardless of whether or not...wait...IRREGARDLESS of whether or not..."
...

    "Why won't you marry me?! I can't believe you rejected me!"
    "Uh, I think it still says that you're married, even though I rejected you."
    "Shit, it does."

Greetings from London, England!

You'd think that being across the world, in an entirely new city, I'd have tons to post about. Absolutely! It's just that I've been so completely and utterly exhausted as soon as I'm off my feet, that I haven't had the energy to do so! But I will. In the meantime:

Quotes of Moments in London:

"Are they doing it on the lawn?"

"You want take-away?"
...

Quote of the Moment:

When you say love
is a simple chemical reaction
I can't say I agree
'cause my chemical
left me a beautiful disaster

Still love's all I see.
...

Because it's my nature, I see only love after beautiful disasters too. This was supposed to be a much longer post, but being short of time before London, I think that's the most important thing to know.

Did you really have to ask?

"Maybe you just want him to be The One."
...

Craziest thing I've ever heard. Well DUH she wants him to be The One. Don't we ALL want the next one, the current one to be The One? Isn't that the whole point? Well, that is, unless you've already FOUND The One. In that case you're hoping that there is no next one, right?

...tick...tick...tick...

After the break

They haven't spoken to each other in weeks. Not in the personal sense, anyway. They go about their daily routines, exchanging words only when necessary. "I closed the bank account," "the locksmith will be in on Tuesday," but not even formalities pass between them--no thank yous, greetings, goodbyes, excuse mes. It's a matter of opinion, and neither can see any fault in themselves, so their stubborn silence will only continue.
...

    "I bought a new clock for us."
    "You bought a new clock for you."
    "No, it's for the bathroom upstairs."
    "That's fine, but it's your clock. There is no us anymore."
...

I dated someone once who, for the first three months of our relationship, I was convinced was ready to break-up with me any day because he would never let me leave anything behind after visiting him at his place. He would check thoroughly to be sure I had all of my belongings: purse, keys, wallet, hair ties, jacket, everything. There was one time that I made it halfway out the door when I realized that I'd left a book, and said so. Off like a shot, he ran off to collect it and hand it to me, despite my insistence that I would just get it the next time I came by. It took a long time before he began to let me feel at home. In the end, it was he who was left behind.

Subway scribbles

June 18, 2008

Not quite sure how I managed it, but somehow when scooting onto the subway today, I found myself on a car filled with only men. Good thing guys have never scared me--it's always been the other way around.
---
Skidooche.
---
Two days before the official start to summer and I'm cold. Was it always this way? Maybe when I was younger I was just ignorant of the weather changes, too busy plowing head-first through every day. If so, maybe ignorance was indeed bliss.
---
Like learning to walk again after an injury, I'm slowly regaining the motions of writing. I was never scared and yet I found myself hesitating. It won't be long before you find me off and writing again at a full gallop, fearlessly striding into the wind that rushes against me.
---
Stopped. I wonder if claustrophobics could handle such an experience.
---
I've changed my mind. I like being needed. I want to be an everything.

I want to hold you and I want to say

That you are all that I need
Oh you, I give my soul to keep
You see me, love me, just the way I am
I said for you, I am a better man

You are the reason
For everything that I do
I'd be lost, so lost without you
    --"Better Man," James Morrison

I melted a little, but no one paid me any mind.
---
The Antithesis of Donne
Once upon a time there lived a boy. For his whole life, this boy lived on his own. He took care of himself, taught himself, fed himself, protected himself. And one day, a girl came along. This girl came along and fell in love with this boy and swore she would take care of him, teach him, feed him, and protect him. As wonderfully generous and genuine as this girl was with her promising offer to him, the boy pushed her away. He has spent his whole life all on his own, that he couldn't understand what it was to let someone else in to love him and care for him and support him. It hurt the girl worse than anything to come before, but she saw that he would never be able to trust anyone else to share in his life, so she left, heartbroken, knowing she would never love another as she loved that boy who couldn't let anyone in.

Enough for a small army

It just dawned on me tonight: it's not that I don't like to cook, it's that I don't like cooking for one.

Gimme a party, however, and it's ON.

I just wanna bang on the drums all day

...or rock on the guitar instead. Either way, I'd rather be playing ROCK BAND than anything else like sleeping, eating, drinking...

Brodder opened it and set it up just today. We played a couple of songs before we went to dinner, and then settled in for the long haul when we got back. We even got dad to sit and sing for our band a while--95% on the first try! But then we decided we needed to get down to the grind, go on a tour, and unlock some songs after the first 7 or so got played-out (is that really possible?). And so, of the 58 songs on the tour, I think we plowed through 38-40 of them tonight; me on the guitar, Brodder on the drums. Dad tapped out after 3 more songs. Insanity. Love it.

Thank goodness for Brodder's birthday!

Come shine

Brunch had been outside in the shade of the gazebo, their toes wandering under the table to find the pools of sunlight warming spots on the patio stones, brushing often as they did. They had brought the dishes in together; he carried their mugs while she cleared the plates. Once inside, they worked together to restore the kitchen to its original state--accompanied by a playlist of classics by Louis, Bing, Ella, Billie, and Ms. Garland, their task hardly seemed a chore at all.

    "These songs make me wish I could tap-dance."
    "Really?"
    "Absolutely! They're so upbeat and...tappy."

He laughed as she handed him another plate to wash.

    "If I had time, I totally would learn again."
    "I'm sure you'd be great."
    "I bet I would be. I'm sure I asked you before--do you think you have two left feet, or do you dance?"
    "I can handle my own on the dance floor."
    "Oh really?"
    "Oh, for sure!"

Sending soap suds through the air, he proceeded to turn from the sink to do a sort of wriggling dance on the spot with frantic arm motions and a serious look of focused intent, causing her to burst into giggles. He smiled. He stopped just as the song turned to a softer, slower one.

    "Obviously dancing runs through your veins."
    "Oh, absolutely."

He turned back to finish the few dishes left while she put away the rest of the food and wiped down the counters. Lazy weekends were quickly becoming a favourite of theirs when spent together. A change from their hectic week and business alter-egos, it was a time that they got to relax and let loose, just being their goofy, unprofessional selves in the presence of the other without worrying about anyone else watching.

Caught off guard in a daydream, she found herself being swept into his arms; he hadn't dried his hands and she could feel them leaving warm imprints on the back of her shirt as he held her close. She didn't mind. He gently swayed her to the sultry sound of Ella Fitzgerald.

    "Does this answer your question?"
    "Yes."

They danced in the sunlight streaming in through the kitchen windows, her head on his shoulder and his embrace ever enveloping. At the end of the song, he dipped her, and though he never let go of her, she felt herself falling a little more.
...

I'm gonna love you,
Like nobody's loved you
Come rain or come shine
High as a mountain, deep as a river
Come rain or come shine

I guess when you met me
It was just one of those things
But don't you ever bet me
'Cause I'm gonna be true if you let me

You're gonna love me,
Like nobody's loved me
Come rain or come shine
We'll be happy together, unhappy together
Now won't that be just fine

The days may be cloudy or sunny
We're in or out of the money
But I'm with you always
I'm with you rain or shine
    --"Come Rain or Come Shine" - Billie Holiday