Dedication

Song of the Moment: "Beautiful Disaster" - Kelly Clarkson

He drowns in his dreams
an exquisite extreme I know
He's as damned as he seems
more heaven than a heart could hold

And if I tried to save him
my hole world could cave in
It just ain't right
oh it just ain't right

But when I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
such a beautiful disaster

If I could hold on
through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful
or just a beautiful disaster

He's magic and myth
as strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
more damage than a soul should see

And do I try to change him
so hard not to blame him
Hold on tight
baby hold on tight

I'm long for love and the logical
but he's only happy hysterical
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle
waiting so long

He's soft to the touch
but frayed at the ends he breaks
He's never enough
and still he's more than I can take
...

He's magic and myth / as strong as what I believe / A tragedy with / more damage than a soul should see

Listening to this song today, I couldn't help but think of my friend, the Gypsy when this line came up. His soul has seen so much tragedy over the last two months that it's hard not to hurt for him. I'd like to believe that he's strong enough to make it through this horribly tough time in his life, but to lose so much and to be beaten so badly in the ways that he has been is too much for one person to bear alone--and yet, there he goes. There he goes, but only just barely. I have my own friends and my own support system so that I know that I'll never be truly alone, but as far as I know, he has no one. No one. That is a tragedy within itself.

It's supposed to be snowy, dammit!

Winter's finally made his appearance (Winter here is being personified as a man not because of the popular "Old Man Winter", but because only a man could be so cruelly cold). My car is struggling to start, I kick myself if I ever forget a single piece of my winter wear, and my boogers freeze the moment I set foot outside.

I was thinking of trying to leave my coat in the car and make a run for the Science Centre today as Sherman and I went to see Body Worlds 2, but the gusts of wind bullying my car off its straight course down the road advised me otherwise. The really big and cool metal i-beam thermometer outside the Science Centre told us it was only -6 outside, but my freezing extremities were telling me otherwise as I sprinted to the safety of my CRV.

I used to think we Canadians were tougher than all other cold weather inhabitants of the globe. Stories have been circled where friends have wandered Chicago or other Northern States in just toques and hoodies and have only had to flash the Maple Leaf emblem on their shirts to explain their light outdoor attire compared to everyone else's winter parkas, gloves, scarves, and boots. But what with the unusually tepid temperatures this winter, my natural Canadian Cold-shield has been weakened and I'm feeling the effects of even the slightest chill nowadays. I suck. However, as weakened as my cold-shield already is, I'm totally going to demolish what little insensitivity to the cold I have left when I leave for the Dominican. It's a risk I'm just going to have to take...and that's okay by me.

Go see Body Worlds 2 at the Science Centre. The exhibit itself is fairly small, but the displays they have are creepily mind-blowing (I actually held onto someone's once functional liver!) and of course one-of-a-kind. Make a day of it. Take the two hours in the exhibit, and then spend the rest of your time remembering what it was like to be a kid, wowed by the simple wonders of science.

I wonder if he's cold?

Glued to the tube

How could anyone NOT like this show? Brodder got me addicted, I got Señorita addicted, she got AJ addicted...the line could go on and on.

I got my hands on the second season last night (finally!) and spent 5 hours last night watching 2 DVDs of it. Well, actually, I watched the last DVD of the first season, and then the first DVD of the second season. All was worth it. If tonight's dinner/movie/poker plans fall through, then you know where to find me--in front of the TV watching Scrubs. Actually, even if the plans DO go through, you'll probably find me sitting there afterwards anyway.

Does anyone want to give me a cushy job?

The Blues, Man

I want to go again!
...

All I wanted to do tonight was go out for a coffee and catch up with some friends. Apparently that was a little too much to ask. Poo.

Saved by the rainy day

I caught myself grumbling over every aspect of the rain today. I woke up this morning and it was gloomy and grey and wet outside, and yet I still had appointments to keep. I went out and carefully made my way down the icy driveway, managed to get the cardoor safely open, but still managed to slip and bang my knee brutally against the doorframe. I started the car only to notice that the car was indeed iced over too much to drive and so I had to get back out and scrape it off.

The rain knocked the power out on Queen Street and I had to avoid all of the stalled streetcars. Due to the hydro workers, all the roads leading to where I wanted to go were blocked off. My hands froze as I struggled to keep my umbrella upright and braced against the rain and wind. My jeans ended up being soaked up to my calves in rainwater--icy cold rainwater.

I couldn't see the lines on the road clearly, and apparently neither could any of the other drivers as I spent less time driving and more time avoiding other cars. Traffic sucked. I froze as I filled up my gas tank. I had to take a second attempt at parking in my driveway because the rain outside had fogged up my windows inside and I couldn't see.

And then, in the moment between me pulling the parking brake and actually turning off the car, it hit me:
          I used to love the rain.
I used to love staying inside all day and watching the rain fall outside. I'd turn on some good music, stir up a hot drink, and curl up with my journal or my current read and let the droplets softly tick against to windowpane. Every so often I'd look up from my words to watch the drops race down the panes, warping the world outside into a beautiful yet familiar abstraction.

I used to love taking long drives in the rain. Again I'd turn the music on, and just let the road and my thoughts take me wherever and as far away as they could. Like a moving picture, the world would rush by me, accompanied by a soundtrack to make the mood as mellow or as melancholy as I'd like to imagine it to be.

I used to just take walks in the rain. Without an umbrella, the rain would run down my hair and face like a soft caress of someone who understands. Alone with my thoughts I could delve into the issues that needed consideration at the moment, having only the occasional distant splashing to distract me.

I'd forgotten about all of that I used to love about rainy days. I don't know why. Maybe I grew up. Maybe I matured. Maybe I became responsible. Whatever the reason, I'm sorry that I forgot.

Now I remember!!!

I was struggling so hard to remember the generic, non-denominational way to wish everyone a Happy Holiday without saying "Happy Holidays" over the month of December.

Happy Christmahanukwanza!

I feel better now. Happy belated Christmahanukwanza, everyone!

Retail Therapy

I was first introduced to this term by Dimps. Amazing how a little of this sort of therapy can absolutely turn your mood right around. Everyone knows what it is, and everyone's used it at some point or another--what can you say except that it works?

Although it implies it, retail therapy and the comfort that it brings still cannot quite coerce me into believing that happiness can be bought. Temporary belief, perhaps, but not happiness. Happiness is when you take what you collected during your therapy and find a good way to put it all to use. Like using the hood on your most perfect zip-up to keep your head warm and the homeless away (what would be the PC term for those kind of people anyway?).

It wasn't sunny out today, but it was warm enough. Winter's not so bad after all.

Sunny stagnancy

Holy mofo. You'd think that with time off, I'd actually have plans to do things for myself, but...NO. After lunch in my Joe Boxers, I headed upstairs to my room. I packed my bag for my volleyball tourney tonight, and then flipped through a magazine. After that, I was lost. I've literally taken the time to stare at myself in the mirror, stare at the floor of my room, stare at the blank spots on my wall, and stare at the phone. I feel like being active, but I honestly don't know what to do.

Thinking more about it (while staring at the computer screen), it's not so much that I have nothing to do, but rather nothing I want to do. While staring in the mirror, I thought that maybe I could start trying to get a little more in shape for my upcoming trip...but nah. While staring at the floor of my room, I thought that maybe I could get out the vacuum and do a little cleaning...but nah. The walls of my room could be filled and friends could be called...but really, there's no motivation.

Perhaps knowing that now I have time to myself to do whatever I want, I'm taking my time to do it WHEN I want. But that still doesn't make me feel any better. I feel LAZY. Had it been summer, I might have taken off downtown to stroll the streets (probably by the NIKE store in search of the perfect hoodie) or visit the beach in hopes of joining in a beach game or two. Maybe it's the sun's fault for my not knowing what to do with myself today--because it was sunny out I figured I could be more active out of doors...but the truth is it's still too salty and icy to rollerblade on the streets, and so I remained inside. Stuffing my face with Bits and Bites. And Gummiworms. Yum. Having sat here for a bit, I think I'm now going to visit Narnia for a while...while sitting in the sunny spot on the couch.

Sans Pantaloons

Oh the weather out side might be frightful (though at 8 degreess out, that seems hardly the case) but the sun is streaming in though my kitchen window and softly keeping my legs warm as I'm cooking lunch in my underwear. I think this is the only thing keeping me from crawling back into bed until tournament time. :) That and my grumbling tummy.

A little a day keeps the blahs at bay

Nobody's posting anymore. The holidays are over, so what's the excuse? The after-holiday blahs. Captain Bitter at work explained this the best:

The holidays--for those who enjoy them--are all uplifting and stuff, and you get to go and see all your family and friends and give and get presents and party the season away. But then there's after. After the holidays, nobody gets to see anybody anymore. You have to go back to work, you realize you have no money, you have to pay off all those bills you racked up over the season, and you have no more excuses to party, and you're terribly hung over or sick anyway. Man, I can't wait until January 31st!

And that's Captain Bitter for you. I admit, I haven't written much myself, but that's mostly because I've been too busy or too exhausted to do so. You only get the "blahs" if you let yourself. I'm far from that. I make what I can of the little things--the little bit of sunshine this afternoon (it peeked out from under the cloud-line--the casual stroll down Bloor Street in the not-so-cold weather, the house that still had its tasteful Christmas lights up, the random comment made to me about having great "mommy-potential"...it's the little things that keep the blahs away.

What also helps keep the blahs away, are trips into the sunshine--DOMINICAN REPUBLIC, here I come!!! :)

Sore eyes

The hole in my heart is starting to grow and the panic is starting to set in. In a few hours what I was at first sure of will become quickly doubtful, and after that it will take every last ounce of my original conviction to keep me on the path I chose. Without all effort, I know I'll find myself tearing back down the road from which I came in search of a place all too familiar.

As much as change is good, it is terrifying at the same time.

The mantra by the end of the night told me that I was going to wake up one day to realize my mistake. I tell myself not to believe that to be true, but a part of me deep inside is screaming for me to see that it just might be.

Almost the words...

It's funny, how memories
Keep bringing you back to me
Just when I started to get myself together again
Thoughts of you
Come creeping in
Met at a party in June
Wasn't really tryin' to notice you
You looked at me with your sweet brown eyes
You walked up and said 'Hi'
Who would have known
That a love affair like ours would grow
Then slip away

Still miss that old school love
Not quite that do right love
Your love was fine
Never old time
You're steady on my mind
Still miss that old school love
Not quite the right one love
I don't want you back
But I'll never ever love the same way again
    --"Old School Love", Divine Brown

Found

Untitled--
It's been two days and already,
I miss you so much.
I love when we see each other every day;
It's when I'm the happiest.
In your arms,
Against you,
Touching you,
Kissing you,
Breathing you.
When we're apart I dream of those moments;
The happy joy that makes me smile
But at the same time makes me sad
Because we're not together right now
Sharing.
I know where you are and what you're doing,
And that I'll be seeing you soon,
But that's still too long for me.
I want to see you now.
Touch you now.
Breathe you now.
To see you tomorrow is too long,
To see you later is eternity.
The time it takes me to answer your knock
Is an infinite moment.
But once you're with me
The grains of sand are too quick
And the hours slip into seconds
And then we're apart again
And I'm alone.
And I'm sad.
I want to spend forever with you
And even that is still not long enough.
--2000(?)

Merry Happy Welcome Back

It's been so long I'm surprised I still remember how to work this thing.

November was spontaneous, December was non-stop, and January has just leapt upon me. Too much to bother even TRYING to recap in detail.

In November--the weekend after I last wrote, Sherman stole me away without my knowing it and took me to New York City. We spent the 2 whole days with Boobin seeing the sights, staying up late, and shopping! It was definitely a whirlwind adventure that I'd love to repeat. I still can't believe that Sherman managed to plan this whole thing and organize it without me knowing. It was awesome. I can only imagine what it was like for him to have to follow me around, cancelling all the plans I made for that weekend as I made them. I had to miss a whole TWO DAYS of volleyball for this trip! ...but it was worth it.

December--bluh.

Christmas...


...upon Christmas...


...upon Christmas...


...upon Christmas (click this one for more Boos). There was one more Christmas in there, but I wasn't feeling so hot so I wasn't on the ball with the camera. I don't think I stopped to breathe ONCE that whole month. But again, worth it. It's always nice to finally run into all those who you haven't seen all year. Things got hectic, plans got pushed back, gifts got delayed in the shuffle, but all in all, everything more or less worked out in the end. Lovely. I must admit that I was a little more than disappointed at the lack of a white Christmas this year. I was all hyped up when they announced that "winter snow storm" that was supposed to last for four days straight, "crippling" the city. Man was I peeved when it only snowed for half a day and all was cleared and already melting by the next morning. Poo.

One SHINING point in December came on Boxing Day when by fluke of happenstance, Sherman and I came across PLATINUM tickets for the Leafs game versus the Jersey Devils--we won of course. Anyway, whatever happened in the game didn't matter too much to me as I was just too blown away by the seats we'd come across for our FIRST Leafs game EVER. Take a look. What made it even better was that my co-worker who also worked at the ACC was working that day and sent us free beer and food to our seats. Lovely. However, now that we've gone, we can never go back. My first Leafs game was also my last. Why? How can you top that? Platinum seats, free beer and food. Anything else will be shite in comparison. Except the Leafs--they will always be superb.

Actually, now that I think about it, December wasn't all that bluh. Also in December, Gracu and I got tickets from my aunt last minute to see Bryan Adams in concert--on the eve of the big "snow storm," coincidentally. Anyway, we blindly jumped at the nose-bleed seats to see this free concert. When we got there, our seats turned out to be the second row from the top. Beautiful--when we stood up to move, our heads hit the roof of the ACC. But due to that fact, things could only get better...and boy did they. First off, while purchasing our $4 bottle of Coke, we discovered that Divine Brown was the opening act. And then, via a lot of hustling and bustling and some help from an old friend who happened to be ushering that night, we ended up STAGE SIDE for the whole Bryan Adams part of the concert. He was so close, he sweat on us, and when he walked by at the end, we could (and did) actually touch him. Money. Unfortunately, someone brilliantly decided not to bring her camera that night due to the original nose-bleed seating we were offered. Dumbass.

New Years? What did you do? Me, well, despite some misdirections and misunderstandings before and afterwards, I had an amazing time with Sherman, RoadTo, and Gracu, not to mention Boo, Gennie-boo, and about a BILLION other friends and acquaintances at the York Event Theatre. Not only did we finally manage to check our coats, but we actually caught the countdown, AND found time to drink ourselves into a silly stupor. Celebrate! But, guess who's the dumbass who forgot to bring her camera again? Uber-dumbass. Phrase of the night: "Piss and go, ladies! PISS and GO!"

(We'll just borrow this picture from Boo's photo album...)

And here I am--January. A new year, a new start. Time to start fresh and true. Sometimes it's so hard to do.