Getting paid at werk (not a typo)

There are some days where I just want to tear my hair out and bang my face against a wall while at work. And then there are other days where it's all right and I smile from time to time.

S; need help

me: it'll cost you

S: what?
S: I can pay you in gold coins
S: how many gold coins does [this] cost?

me: 150

S: I can give you 1.50

me: fine.

Most would think nothing of this conversation. I didn't. But then I came back from lunch.

Friday conversations

It's a good day to be eavesdropping in the office if you want to react to some shenanigans.

This conversation:

   "I'm a huge FRIENDS fan - I just binge-watched it - and you know the dark-haired one? Oh...what's her name?"
  "..."

YOU ARE NOT A FAN OF FRIENDS IF YOU REFER TO ANYONE AS "THE DARK-HAIRED ONE"!!!!!

It's MONICA! Her name is MONICA!



And then there was this one:

"Pat, if you want to buy a new baking pan, you just go ahead an buy it for yourself. You don't NEED to buy it. It's like me: 'No, husband, I don't NEED these new shoes, but I'm going buy them anyway.'"

*voice from two rows over*: "You BUY those shoes, melody!"

   "It's not about me, we were talking about Pat and a baking pan."

*voice from two rows over*: "Oh, well you BUY that baking pan, Pat!"
...

Yes. TGIF.

Weirdly appreciated

I can be a little goofy sometimes. Sometimes my brain acts in really fast, random ways. I think this makes me a really good brainstormer, but I'll admit that sometimes the things it comes up with can be downright weird.

And yet.

It's me. That's just me and how I think and work. Sometimes these ideas will just tumble out of control and suddenly from just thinking something, I'm suddenly doing something and acting on my random ideas and being the type of person I am, I really like to see these things through right away and as fast as possible...I hate when I come up with an idea to surprise someone because I can't wait to do it. And unfortunately, I apparently like surprising people.

My brother went along with a surprise party for our parents where we hosted a dance, bought drinks and catered for 50 people with zero experience.

A large number of Malcolm's friends sent me, practically a stranger at the time, pictures of themselves wishing Malcolm a happy birthday because I didn't want him to feel homesick or lonely on his birthday.

My workplace let me build a fireplace display in the office for Christmas; photoshop, disseminate for signatures, and deliver ridiculous Valentine's Day cards; and run pot lucks and Oscar betting pools on the regular.

My parents let me travel on a whim, all the time, with people they'd barely heard of.

Malcolm lets me host gatherings at our place with little notice, but big guest lists and long itineraries.

For all of that (and likely a lot more I'm not thinking of), I just want to say "thanks." Thank you all you spectacularly supportive people for letting me be me and going along with my crazy ideas. For not telling me I'm crazy and that I should just get back to work. For not telling me my ideas are impossible or that it can't be done. For making me just as pleased to do these things as the person on the receiving ends might be.

I am weird and you're wonderful. You make my life better.

A hot topic

With the outcry at recent cauliflower prices soaring as high as $8 per head, I was astounded to catch this low price at my local Chinese grocer, so I snapped a picture and shared it with some friends who were trustworthy for reactions.

Of course then, the following ensued:

Me: Affordable cauliflower...but at a Chinese grocer...I bet it's an imitation cauliflower

Me: "Caurifrower"

dimps: LMFAO

dimps: that was too good. 

Malcolm: Forget caurifrower, what's Finger Hot?

Nightcrawler: Lol! That's an STD.

I hadn't even noticed.

A true "what she saw/what he saw" situation...

Office lingo

I've been back to work for a few weeks now and while I'm pretty much adjusted to it, I'm still a little rusty on my office lingo. For example, the following conversation happened:

Boss: YOA come to 6F oooppss
Me: ?????
Me: are you asking me to come to 6F
Boss: Yes.

If I'd been in full swing, I wouldn't have had to question it. Duh.

The boots of regret

Something like 10 years ago, I went down to Washington D. C. to play in an annual volleyball tournament. Along the way, our driving convoy stopped in Grove City, PA to shop at the outlets there. It was my first time there, and man, were there ever deals!

I was still a new player back then, young and probably barely employed. But I made out like a bandit on things that cost me no more than $10 - 20 apiece. I stuck to the stores that I was familiar with and was pretty sure that I could afford to shop in: The GAP, Aeropostale (and this was before it came to Canada), the Nike Store...it was there I scored some great deals. Thinking I'd done all I could, I tagged along with another friend into a shoe store I'd never heard of before. Today, I couldn't tell you what it was called, but that's where this story REALLY began.

While she shopped, I browsed. As I browsed, I came across a pair of knee-high boots. Back then, I guess stretchy leather was not as common because when it came to these kinds of boots, you either had tiny little calves that fit the all-leather made boots, or you had giant-sized calves that had to be squeezed into boots that were part leather, part ugly-black-elastic-stretch-section-in-the-back. Being of the latter half of the population, I didn't have high hopes with these all-leather boots.

But then.

They fit! They fit like a glove! They were all leather! I was astounded. I took a few steps in them and they were comfortable. I checked out the brand name on the box - Kenneth Cole. All I knew was that it was a brand name that was typically out of range for my starving-student budget.

But then.

I flipped my heel and looked at the price tag stapled to the bottom of the boot: $98. $98?! You can never get boots - knee-high boots - for less than a hundred dollars!

But then.

My inexperienced shopping mind made the following "logical" deduction:

• I hadn't come on this volleyball trip prepared to shop
• Everything else I had bought on this unexpected trip was less than $20
• These boots were $98 and were 5x more expensive than anything else I'd bought so far
• I didn't need the boots
• Therefore, don't buy the boots.

And so, feeling good about brain power, I didn't buy the boots, got in the car, and continued on with the caravan, away from the outlets and on to our volleyball tournament in Washington. Surprisingly, it wasn't until I got back to Toronto the next weekend that it kicked in.

I should have bought those boots.

Perhaps I should have. but hey, they were just boots, I could find another pair. And so, feeling a little bit of regret, I decided to find myself a pair of replacement boots. That's when the REAL regret kicked in.

I couldn't find another pair.

All leather boots didn't fit me. Boots that did fit me had that terrible ugly elastic section in the back. Any boots that came close to being not-ugly-enough-to-want-to-buy were astronomically expensive. None of them were comfortable.

It plagued me for years that I couldn't find another pair. The scene played over and over in my mind: me standing there with the boots ON my feet, deciding I didn't need them, and then me walking out of the store without them. I wanted to scream at that past reflection of myself, buy the damn boots! You'll never find the same!

I regretted it. Oh, I regretted it hard. For YEARS. Since then, I've made it a point in my life to be sure that I'll never regret NOT buying something while I could, again. And that is the story, of the boots of regret...
...

...and that, honey, is why I HAD to buy these new Kenneth Cole boots while I was supposed to be grocery shopping!

Quote of the moment

I think I might either start a category of "that's what she said" or maybe even a whole separate blog of "shit my co-worker says."

Yesterday's gem was as we stepped outside into the humid Toronto afternoon.

   "Ick, it's so humid.  I feel like I'm always so wet and moist!"

I had no words.  I don't even think I said goodbye when we parted ways. :)

Morning laugh

My work participated in the TELUS walk for diabetes this past weekend.  Getting back to work, my co-worker, who BAILED on the event, put out a general call for any pictures from the walk.  I'd snapped a cute selfie of my peeps, so I thought I'd send it to her.

To: Bailing co-worker
From: melody
Subject: Picture

Here you go, bailer. ;)

---------------------------------------------------------------

And then the response:

To: melody
From: Bailing co-worker
Subject: Re: Picture

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?????????????????
I WAS THERE!!!!!!!!!!

---------------------------------------------------------------

Yup, I lol'ed...so loudly that an instant message popped up on my screen:

"I hear you got my email..."

Afternoon laugh

I forgot that I had Malcolm's wallet in my purse last night, so today, he had to go without.  When he called me to let me know that he'd gotten through the day safe and sound without it, we had the following conversation:

him: "Oh, and honey, if you find any phone numbers in my wallet, I just want to let you know that they're not mine."

me: "Well, I figured that you wouldn't have to have copies of your own number in your wallet."

him: "Hahaha. Yes, of course.  But if you find any other numbers in there, they're not mine either. They're, uh, client phone numbers."

me:  "Ah, and the ones written in lipstick are just the ones that you wrote down after your pen ran out?"

him: "Of course! See, you know me so well!"

...

Unbeknownst to me, my coworkers were able to hear most of that conversation (my ears are clogged today) and had a good laugh too.

Quote of the moment:

My dad has a short memory and confuses his words easily most of the time...

   "So, you had lunch today with the sweets?"
   "What?  With what?"
   "The sweets."
   "Do you mean [my volleyball team that's named] Sugar?"
   "Yes."

Oh dad.  I wouldn't trade him for the world.

That's what she said

And really, she said it.  Loudly.  At work.

Our director brought donuts in this afternoon.  My gluten-free friend noticed them go by and groaned - donuts were definitely not going to be gluten-free.  I grabbed one and then visited her at her cube.

   "Hey, want a sprinkle?  These might be gluten-free."

   "No."  She tossed my offered sprinkle into the garbage.

   "Fine, I'll leave you alone then."

I started to walk away when I remembered the best part about the donut I'd picked, so I called back over the cube wall:

   "It's filled with Boston Cream!"

And then.

   "Oh my god, just let me suck all the cream out of it for you!"

Needless to say, we were shushed.

Song of moment: "Sail" - AWOLNATION

Sail

This is how I show my love
I made it in my mind because
I blame it on my A.D.D. baby

This is how an angel dies
I blame it on my own supply
Blame it on my A.D.D. baby

Sail
Sail
Sail 
Sail
Sail

Maybe I should cry for help
Maybe I should kill myself (myself)
Blame it on my A.D.D. baby

Maybe I'm a different breed
Maybe I'm not listening
So blame it on my A.D.D. baby

Sail
Sail
Sail 
Sail
Sail

La la la la la
La la la la la oh!
La la la la la,
La la la la la oh!
La la la la la,
La la la la la,

Sail
Sail
Sail 
Sail


Sail with me into the dark
Sail
Sail with me into the dark
Sail
Sail with me into the dark
Sail 
Sail with me
Sail
...

I've really liked this song from the moment I heard it. I love the sudden notes of abrasive bass throughout.  I added it to some "liked" list on a player and when I clicked it, it took me to the video.  The beginning grabbed me.  It was exactly what I wanted in the video for this song.  And then, 1:19.  I don't know if that killed the video for me, or made it better.  Feel free to make your own judgement.  I still love the song.

Reverse Gizoogle

I'm not one to follow politics or give comments on them in general, but this one is a tough one to pass up because the comments keep coming and they're gems.

For those not in the know, our dashing Mayor, Rob Ford, was caught in yet another video this week.  Instead of an alleged crack pipe, it was Jamaican patois:

And then, in the spirit of my previous entry about Gizoogle, someone took the time to transcribe and "translate" what exactly the Mayor said in the video - what I am referring to when I say it's reverse Gizoogle.

The other two are more obscene, what our Jamaican translator called “indecent language.” The first, “raasclat,” is a deeply offensive term that refers to a rag used to wipe one’s buttocks after defecation. As slang lexographer Jonathan Green explained in a 2011 online post, “raas by itself means the buttocks, and by extension the whole person.”

Click here to read the whole article published on the National Post.

And then came the comments:

   "I can't get past 'ya raasclat bumbaclot.' LoL!"

   "Seriously, why he doesn't have a reality show is beyond me. The City should look into this, it'd be an excellent source of revenue.  It could pay for a lot of things, like subways or even gravy trains."

   "I love his defense too: 'It was my own time, that's how talk with my friends on my own time.'"
   "Absolutely.  On our personal time, some of us baby talk with our significant others, some of us use curse words with our friends.  The Mayor, he slips into Jamaican Patois.  Totally legit defense."

Totally.

Gizoogle my noogle

Go to gizoogle.net.  You'll know you're in the right place when you see the spinning rims.

Yup, that's the place.  

I've known about this site since about a billion years ago.  Pablo showed it to me once and while I never forgot it...I put the knowledge of it safely away somewhere in my mind and never bothered retrieving it for amusement...until last Friday.

One of my co-workers speaks proper English with a British accent, but every so often she'll prove her "street-cred" (her words) by throwing down terms like "fo shizzle" and "skillz."  On Friday, she did just that and it subsequently reminded me of Gizoogle, which I promptly forwarded to her.

Cue hysterics.

This made its way through our team like wildfire, putting us in stitches as we read over each others' shoulders and laughed together at the results.  We did it to our work site, the news, and other familiar and unfortunate web addresses. We did our best to keep the giggles down, but they ended up catching the attention of our Assistant Vice President who came out to check on us.

   "What's going on out here?"
   "Um, we're gizoogling things...?"
   "Gizoogling? What does that mean?"
   "Well, we go to this site, type in web addresses, and then this happens..."
   *used our work site as an example*
   "Oh my god, that's amazing!"

Fo' shizzle.

Did have a cow

In January of last year (2013) I attended a conference and one of the giveaways was a little plastic piggy bank. Except it wasn't actually a piggy bank, it was a cow bank.  Not really one to collect all my change, I repurposed the cow for something else.  I decided it was going to be my Cow of Awesome.

My what?

My Cow of Awesome.

I decided that every time something awesome happened, I'd jot it down on a piece of paper and keep it in the cow.  Then, at the end of the year (or, as it happened, at the beginning of this year), I'd open up the cow and see what awesomeness had taken place over the year.  Today was the opening day.

Awesomeness spilled out all over the table.  One by one, I reminisced over the year as Malcolm stayed close by to share in the memories.  There were a lot of wedding ones, but there were a lot of other randoms too.  Many memories were made with others, though Malcolm and I also got to share a number between the two of us.

I've since relocated the awesomeness to a nondescript envelope for the time being, until I can figure out the best way I can store them for the future trips down memory lane.  In the meantime, I needed the Cow back to start this year's stock of awesomeness. :)

Name that song

There's a song that always makes me think of my brother in-law, LaBLee, every time I hear it.  It was his ringtone the first time I met him and it always made me laugh because LaBLee was more often than not all dressed up for/from work and he was always polite and cordial.  But then his phone would ring and this badass gangsta anthem would play and totally knock down this facade.  While I always recognized the "LaBLee" song whenever I heard it, I could NEVER, for the life of me, remember the actual name of the song, despite its popularity and it being a hit with everybody.

Then, of course, I wanted to play the song at the wedding party and dedicate it to my new brother in-law, and of course I couldn't remember the title of it as usual.  However, I wanted it to happen, so I did some research.  I scoured the dance floor for reliable sources and proceeded to shout my questions at them over the music.

   "Dimps!"
   "What?"
   "What was the name of the song that was LaBLee's ringtone?"
   "Oh my god I know it!  Oh god, what is it called?"
   "I don't remember!"
   "Me neither, but I know it!"
   "Ack!  Uh, Yapper!" I called to another friend.
   "Yeah!" he danced his way over.
   "You know that song: 'to the windows, to the wall...'"
   "'...til the sweat drips down my balls...!'"
   "Yes!  What's that song called?!"
   "I can't remember!"
   "Dammit!"
   "Someone will know."
   "I know.  Kee!" I called to another friend.
   "Yeah!"
   "What's the name of the song: 'to the windows, to the wall...'"
   "'...till the sweat drips down my balls, and all these bitches crawl...!'"
Then bystanders joined in, shouting,
   "'...to all skeet skeet muthafuckas! All skeet skeet aw damn...!"
   "Yes!  What's the name of that song?!"
   "I don't know!"

And so it continued.  I think it was finally Señorita's brother that finally came through for me in the end and I managed to request and dedicate the song.  And then it was played and the entire dance floor exploded.  To the windows, to the wall, EVERYONE knew ALL the words and went nuts...and I bet none of us remembered the title afterwards either.

"Get Low" - and we did.

The WiFi

The data reception at the venue was spotty at best, but in the bridal suite, it was non-existent.  However, I noticed there was WiFi available and so I asked someone to see if they could get the password so we could stream some music.  Some time later, Brodder got an internet stick that he delegated Lingmon Guy to get working for us.  Some time after that last update, Lingmon Guy entered the bridal suite with only his phone in hand.

   "I'm sorry, I just couldn't get the USB internet thing to work on your laptop."
   "That's okay, no worries."
   "In lieu of the ability to stream music, I shall serenade you."
   "Aw, LMG, that's okay," I reassured him from my seat on the floor with my makeup artist, Charming.  As he made his way past us into the corner of the room she commented,
   "He's so funny."
A moment later, we heard LMG's voice.
   "When I was young..."
   "What?"
   "...I never needed anyone..."
   "What are you doing?"
   "...and making love was just for fun..."
   "Oh my,"
   "...living alone, I think of all the friends I've known..."
   "LMG, you don't have to do that,"
   "...when I dial the telephone..."
   "Is he singing?"
   "...nobody's home..."
   "Yes, yes he is."
   "...All by myself...don't wanna be: all by myself. Anymore..."

Well, we can't say we didn't have music.
...

Unbeknownst to anyone, when mom packed up the bridal suite, she found the venue's USB internet stick and, thinking it belonged to one of us, she packed it up and we brought it home.  It wasn't until we were packing to leave for Malaysia that I realized what had happened.  I sent at text to my ever-reliable wedding coordinator:

Me - we stole their wifi
Brodder - Oops.  It didn't work anyway.

True.

When do we want it?

Big companies are not always up-to-date with the latest technologies--the company I work for is no exception.  But that's okay because I think that's pretty much the norm.  Anyway, I got an email notice the other day for an upcoming software installation to my computer:

Now, I love all things Google, but I had no idea what Google Chrome Frame was.  So like any other curious mind, I searched it up--with Google--and found this:

Winding down?  LoL.

*The original version of this meme used only browser logos - this one has Allie Brosh's cartoon cleaning self but doesn't acknowledge it.  Since I could only find this version of the meme, I will acknowledge her myself. :)

Quotes of the moment

A perfect one to follow the previous girly quote...

From one other girl to another:

   "These are really juicy melons."
   "Are you saying you like my juicy melons?"
   "I am."
...

This long weekend, we had a BBQ which we ended off by playing Cards Against Humanity.  If you've ever played it, you'd understand.  It's like mad-libs for people who have no sense of decency. Anyway, we had a howling good time, especially considering the fact that it was some people's first time getting to know each other.  At the end of the game, two strangers-turned-new-friends said their goodbyes to part ways.

   "Hey, that was fun!  It was nice playing and getting to know you."
   "Yeah, same here. I'm sure we'll see each other again."
   "Yup - in hell."

Maybe you had to be there, or maybe you'd have had to have played the game...that was pretty slick.
...

One of the winning card combinations of last night:
I got 99 problems but fisting ain't one.

Indeed.

Quote of the Moment:

From one girl to another:

   "Thanks for sharing your melons with me."
   "Anytime!"