Spilled

    "You look unimpressed."
...

Four cocktails and two beers into the night, and the truth was spilled. Love and logic can been seen as related but opposing factors of the life of any relationship, but the secret spilled was that logic was bullshit.

    "It's all about how passionately you want something to work."
...

Perhaps unimpressed, but full of stubborn passion.
...

Music can have the same effect of a good masssage--the right song and you can just feel any tension just melt away.

On her sleeve

    "What's she doing?"
    *shrugs* "She's cleaning."
    "Why?"
    *shrugs*
...

    "What?"
    "What are you doing?"
    "Cleaning."
    "Why?"
    "Why not?"
    "Are you okay?"
    "I'm fine. I'm fine--why?"
    *shrugs*
...

I spend everyday amongst my family. They know better.

Prior to this post, I put away a full load of dishes, then hand-washed all that was in the sink and on the counter. Then I scrubbed the bathroom clean and repaired the shower curtain. After that, I crawled up onto my bed and stared at nothing for no less than 30 minutes. Sometimes I wish I could just turn my brain off because it's just so good at writing stories.

Like the white rabbit

He hands her the bag. She thanks him. In turning to leave, they find they're heading in the same direction.

His pace is brisk, and she finds she has to nearly trot to keep up with him; he's not trying to leave her behind, but he's not exactly waiting either. As they weave their way through the crowds, she tries to make conversation with him. She tells him about her new job, about how her parents are doing, she asks him about himself. His answers are brief and concise...if he answers her at all.

While she's already passed her street, they've finally reached the point of no return. He makes an offer for her to join him at his next destination, but a quick glance over him and she knows he's not looking for company. She declines, but thanks him again. Without breaking stride or even pausing for formalities, they exchange goodbyes and she turns down the next street as he continues on. She watches his back retreat into the crowded downtown throng of late-night shoppers, then turns to cross the road after she loses sight of him.

She wonders where he disappeared to.
...

There are some people who just want to be left alone, and you can't explain it through any fault of your own. But that's just the way they'd rather it to be, and you have to respect it if you want to remain just lucky enough to catch sight of them once in a while.

Across a universe of topics

Single.
Female.
Freshly over the hill of her twenties.

Loves the written word. Enjoys long walks through the nocturnal city, and always up for an adventure, especially when it involves food. Loves dogs and surprisingly cats as well. Fond of all animals in general, actually. Will try anything once. Tries to learn a new thing everyday--is admittedly a bit of a nerd, but balances it out with a passion for volleyball. Listens to music incessantly, is craftily creative, and wants to have lots and lots of babies. Cooks especially when help is offered with washing the dishes. A really good cudddler.
...

A blast from the past friend admitted wanting to resort to online dating. While I'm not against online love, I've always regarded it as somewhat of a last resort. It tugged on my heartstrings to know that he was going to go that route, but I also saw the point. He wasn't at the point of desperation, but he had used up all his avenues of meeting people.

I've had this discussion before; once your life settles into a comfortable, stable routine, how do you go about meeting anyone new? School has the most random chance meetings, then work allows you to meet new friends, and the friends of friends, but after that, what do you do? Even if you had other avenues of meeting people--sports, hobbies, bars and clubs--after a time those pursuits become just as routine and your sources used up.

Enter the online dating scene.

I actually think that my only "thing" about online dating is the fact that it takes the "chance" out of love. Sure, what are the chances that out of the millions of profiles out there, you'll find the one? But when it comes down to it, you'll find him because you were looking. I've always been in love with the notion of love finding you when you aren't looking.
...

Hey Jude, don't let me down
You have found her, now go and get her
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

Watched Across the Universe tonight with the fam. Dad blasted the volume SO loud. But it was great. I love titillating music and visuals like that. Like a historical fiction, a story is woven through that which already exists. It could have been my raging hormonal levels, but the first couple of numbers made me want to cry because they were so awesome to watch (usually things with awesomeness just give me goosebumps). And of course, I love love-stories.

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you
Tomorrow I'll miss you
Remember I'll always be true
And then while I'm away
I'll write home every day
And I'll send all my loving to you
...

I started a new journal tonight. It was exciting. Especially because I made it pretty. Show you later.
...

I wrote your name into the sky,
But the wind blew it away.

I wrote your name into the sand,
but the waves washed it away.

I wrote your name into my heart,
And forever it will stay.
...

11:30pm

    "Where are you going?"
    "Out."
    "Now? Why?"
    "To write."
...

Sometimes a wealth of information at your fingertips is too much.

Once in a while

Sometimes to get your mind off things, the best thing to do is to sit in a quiet corner, and watch as the world revolves around you for a while.

Quote of the Moment

"Note to the guys: all women are crazy. You just gotta pick the one whose craziness you can live with the easiest."

Gobble Gobble!

And gobble you should! Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I hope your dinners and gathering are as random and wonderful as mine. :)

I live in a city

Sex and the City

I spent the evening in sweats too comfortable to be my own, so, accordingly, I made myself comfortable. Then, at first, it was only because I'd screwed up a line of my knitting that I finally noticed and HAD to fix, but then, even after I'd seen the "NO" that broke (breaks) my heart, I couldn't stop.

If guys were ever to find themselves stuck on what to say to a girl about anything, a smart (and very patient) guy just has to pick up any copy of any chick flick and the answers--though he may not agree with or understand any of them--are all there.

Being such a popular movie (amongst the ladies) I thought I would have no trouble finding all of the quotes that I wanted to use from the movie to write about here. Apparently the audience who paid enough attention to the movie to then select and compile what they considered to be the best and most important quotes has a very different option of words from myself.

In lieu of the exact words, I'll make up some of my own.

---
When having trouble with something, you're thinking too much. Put whatever it is that you're stuck on away, climb into bed, and get a good sleep. When you wake up in the morning, you'll know what you have to do.

Sometimes you just have to put all of your logic aside and just go with what you feel.

How do you know that something that hurt you so badly, that's been apologized for and forgiven (though not forgotten) won't happen to you again?

Love is about you and me, and no one else. Just you and me.

Just show up and say "I will love you" and that's enough.
---

And then there was the whole idea of wiping the slate clean. When you love someone so much, despite what they may have done to you or you have done to them, an option is not to necessarily forget, but to forgive and leave whatever it was in the past and move forward together. Even though this was the second time I watched the movie, the idea never really occured to me--maybe I wasn't paying attention. He had never meant to hurt her, she had never meant to drive him away, and then after months of apologies and talk, they met on the bridge and left it behind them together. When you love someone enough, nothing's impossible. When the one you love is by your side, you can do anything.

"Ever thine ever mine ever ours."

Spotless Lunch

Having used all my liquid cash on dinner last night, I had to spend more than $4 in order to use my debit card across the street. I'm too full. On a small soup and small sandwich. Sometimes you don't feel hungry, but you know you have to eat.
...

    "Constant talking isn't necessarily communicating."

    "Is there any risk of brain damage?"
    "Well, technically speaking, the operation is brain damage, but it's on par with a heavy night of drinking."

    "Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours."

    "I wish you had stayed."
    "I wish I had stayed too. NOW I wish I had stayed. I wish I had done a lot of things. I wish I had... I wish I had stayed. I do."
[...]
    "Joely? What if you stayed this time?"
    "I walked out the door. There's no memory left."
    "Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Let's pretend we had one."
    "Bye Joel."
    "I love you..."

Not rose-coloured

My left contact lens is having trouble sitting comfortably in my eye. It's not dry, it's not exactly uncomfortable, but it's just not quite right, and it causing everything to be blurry. It could have been that I got a bit of chlorine in it that didn't soak away, that my eyes aRe just tired from wakefulness, or that it's just time for a new pair, but damn is it annoying!

I fear giving myself a headache.

Reminiscent of the JFC

You don't really stop loving the old, until you start loving the new.
...

And if you don't stop loving the old, even after the new, then maybe you should never have let the old get away.
...

I have never let go angry, but when I have let go, it's been as cleanly as I could have. Once I stopped loving them, I didn't give them a chance to keep loving me. Sometimes, that was the hardest part: to leave them floundering when you know you're the only one who could pull them safely to shore. If it were easy...
...

If it's free and public knowledge, then you can find it on the internet. If you can't find it on the internet, then it's still a secret.

Ponder

How do you know you're in love? How do you know you're not in love? How do you know you've fallen out of love? When do you realize?
...

She arrives home in tears. She's not sure what's wrong; there was no argument, no hatred, but she feels unsettled and hurt. They exchanged I love yous as they parted, but she still can't shake the feeling that it was a farewell with finality, in a way. As she confusedly struggles to gain control over her tears, there is a knock at the door. She opens it.

It isn't Him, but it's still a familiar face. After a wide-eyed pause in the place of a greeting, she falls in silent sobs against him. Bewildered, he instinctively wraps his arms around her and strokes her hair. It surprises him how easily it returns to him, and how he finds himself wondering how he ever let go.

Some time goes by before either comes to themselves. She has calmed down, but misses Him intensely, feeling so empty even without a goodbye. He straightens her up, catching a brief glance at the time, hoping he's not keeping Her waiting. She apologizes for the emotions and the embrace, he assures her it was nothing; hugs are generally free between friends. A quick conversation without explanation, and then he leaves, having returned to her what he borrowed.

He leaves to meet Her at home, and she wearily climbs the stairs to sleep on the side of the bed that isn't hers. She does nothing but think of Him.
...

For love, I've given up an aspect of style, I've taken on a sport, I've defied the rules. I know I'm in love when I don't think anything is impossible for the one I love; I'm willing to lay it all on the line. I haven't loved them all, they haven't all loved me, and yes, I've been wrong before, but I've learned from my mistakes. Always, the worst was when I realized that I just didn't love him enough.

Dependable Part II

Though it's not exactly regarding the same topic as the other, it's still related.

In discussing the previous entry with my Roomie, we realized two other things. The first was that girls tend to respond well to positive enforcement. Throw in a few compliments (especially if you've never given them before) and she's a pile of goo in your arms. Show some appreciation for her point of view, and she'll trust you more than you've warranted. That little bit of softness from those otherwise hard-asses and she'll be blinded back into love. A little sad, but true.

The second thing we realized, was that girls love to believe they can change a guy. Give her a jerk-off, and she'll believe that she's the one destined to change him into that soft-hearted, teddy bear of a nice guy that she believes he's always wanted to be. And then, linking back to our first point, that's where it's a vicious circle that traps her with him. At the first sign of softness, she believes she's succeeding on her "make him nice" mission. Again, it's sadly true.

Hopefully girls who fall victim of believing she can change him, will realize soon enough that she can't; no one can.

Digression...you can't change anyone. They're who they are because that's who they are. To love someone, you have to love them for exactly who they are and everything that they are. If you don't like something about them, you're either going to have to accept it and get over it, or let go, because the probability that they're going to change is slim to none. It is my belief that you cannot change someone, and I know I'm not the only one to think this.

Changing someone requires more than you demanding it--that person has to want to change too. The key here being the want to change. It's easy to stop or start doing something because someone asks you to. But it's up to you to want to keep up that cessation or beginning over time. If that change doesn't mean enough to you to keep it up, you'll find yourself falling back into your old habits--and really, just being yourself--after enough time.

But then, if you decide that you want to make a change for yourself, then that's a different story. If you choose to take a suggestion and follow it because you believe it will better yourself, then just let anyone try to stop you from changing.

Examples?

Take swearing (what a weak example, I know). Let's say I cursed a blue streak in my everyday conversation. And then I meet a guy, who, a few months into our relationship asks me to cut it out. Blindedly infatuated and wanting to be compliant, I do. But if I don't feel the same, my jokes and stories don't have the same impact, and I just feel restricted, chances are that I'm going to revert back to at least a moderate amount of cursing; especially if I don't think a few four-lettered words ever hurt anyone. I tried, but it just wasn't me.

However, given the right motivation, perhaps I could choose to give it up and give it up permanently. What if I continued my blue-streaked conversations right up through the birth of my first child and found that my child's first word ever was a four-lettered one? Perhaps that would horrify me enough (it would) to make me change immediately and for good.

What a digression. The point? People don't change just because they're asked. They may attempt to, but the permanent changes don't happen unless that individual wants it for themselves. I think only once in my life have I ever witnessed someone change because they were asked to; what was asked and the person asking meant for a positive future, and she meant that much to him.

I won't ask for change. At least, I won't ask for change that can't be reasonably expected. I try not to. I know. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Oh, the real point--the one related to the beginning of the post--girls, don't blindly believe that you can change them. If it was that bad for so long, don't you think someone's already tried? Love him (her) for who he is, not what you wish he would be. That's how I do it.

Hindsight

    "Have you ever been in a relationship and not been in love?"
    "Sure I have."
    "Oh yeah? When?"
    "Right now."
    "Ah."
...

I don't regret what I've done in my past. I may have regretted some of the things I didn't do, but I can't think of much that I wouldn't do again. Life hasn't been exactly a walk in the park for me, but the things I did and the subsequent events that followed have all made me who I am today, and that, I have no regret over.

Wittgenstein's rhinoceros story

Every piece of art tells a story. When someone brings an idea to life, a story is told, and it is up to the individual experience to try to learn that story. To hear it, read it, see it, feel it. While an artist can only hope that you will see the messages in art the way s/he wants to you, there is a guarantee that you will look and you will at least wonder.

There is no rhinoceros.

Wittgenstein. Even if you don't believe that a piece is art, you're thinking about it in the context of art which is all that an artist would like you to do. Why is something art? What makes it art? What is the message it is trying to convey? What is the story being told?

There's always more than one story, and maybe that's why I like art so much--all mediums. Because even the times when I don't "get it" and don't understand the story that the artist was trying to have me see, I'll still see a story. The story of how something was inspired, or maybe how the materials are holding together, or how a certain part was crafted. And even if these stories that I give to these pieces are wrong, they're still stories and they've still got me thinking, regardless if it was in the wrong direction. That's what it's all about, isn't it? About thinking?

Oh, I went to Nuit Blanche this weekend, by the way. I loved it, as usual; I got to write so many stories for myself that night. Next year, uninterrupted and in my own shoes I plan to walk from dusk till dawn.

Quotes of the Moment:

"We're smart people. We'll make it work."
    --Janet Hartigan (Sarah Jessica Parker), Smart People

"Ando, what are you doing?"
"I'm being awesome!"
    --Hiro and Ando, Heroes
...

We just recently got satellite. I still only watch TV on occassion, and usually later on at night when everything else I've needed to do has been done. But as it turns out, it would seem that if I don't take the plunge and turn it off assertively at my first chance, it's going to be a movie a night...at least.

The Matrix Reloaded
Run, Fat Boy, Run
Smart People

So far, it's been alright.

Oh, and sorry if the posts have been down-sounding. I'm okay. I really am. It's just that you find inspiration in the weirdest places sometimes. But thanks for checking, ye-who-I-can-no-longer-call-by-your-maiden-name-without-stumbling. :)

Having thought about it

He ruefully explains to her how he felt when he decided he wasn't good enough for her on the he left her at the altar:

"I thought spoiling your day might be better than ruining your life."
...

It was an emotional sort of day for me today; my eyes are sore from tears. I suppose watching "Run, Fat Boy, Run" just really got to pushing all those buttons.

A non-answer answer

Perhaps you're not sharing because you've gone through periods of uncertainty, doubt, and frustration, fighting for something or a connection that no one else could possibly understand at this point?
...

The thing I liked most about this was that it wasn't advice, it wasn't an answer, and it wasn't a judgement, but it was comforting. Yes, perhaps.

Dreamer

My idea of romance is that it's not perfect, but that lovers' quarrels start in the kitchen, chase out into the streets, and then end in kisses in the rain. And then they never stop making it up to each other.

Dependable

In reading some past writing, something dawned on me this evening. I know why the nice guys finish last; why the girls always go for the assholes.

It's that whole "setting the bar low" concept. Nice guys set the bar at a standard that wonderful to begin with. They're sweet and thoughtful all the time so that a girl grows to be accustomed to it. The first time he slips up even a little--he forgets a certain date, calls too late, doesn't send flowers--it's a big deal because typically, he's always so great. Poor guy. Probably didn't even mean to do what he did.

And then there are the jerk-offs. They set the bar so low that anything close to acceptable behaviour suddenly seems like a gift wrapped in gold. They never call, they never remember, they never give mementos or gifts. And you'd think that he'd be called out on it right away, and I bet that he usually is, but then suddenly, a few kind words, dinner, and a sweet kiss goodnight, and he's Romeo compared to what he usually is. No where CLOSE to as consistently sweet as the Nice guy, but compared to what he's normally like, what girl could resist?

The lesson, boys? Set the bar at a level at which you can keep it. Sure you want to woo your woman at the beginning, but don't do it and then stop when you get her. The only reason she signed up in the first place was for what you promised to give her; if you can't keep your promise, then what's to keep her from leaving? Sooner or later, that jerk-off that had the girl, will lose the girl because here's to hoping that she'll realize she's better than that.