There's Nothing "Wrong" With Me...

I've woken up in the morning for the past three days now to be greeted in the mirror by my own startling disfiguration. The area around my eyes has become very red and blotchy. My eyes themselves have swelled up so much that it's actually an effort for me just to keep them open. It looks like I'm wearing a sort of red, deformed masque about three weeks too late. There has not yet been a person I have met outside of my own house who has not asked me what is "wrong" with my face. I initially thought it was a mild allergic reaction of some sort, but the fact that it's persisted this long has me wondering otherwise.

Needless to say, I've been feeling a little self-conscious.

It didn't help when the guy at work literally couldn't stop staring directly at it, nor did it help when the girl at volleyball did the Batman dance in reference to my own nearly hidden eyes--I suppose it could have been funny, but it wasn't when I was trying not to draw attention to myself--and it definitely doesn't help when my mother scrutinizes me every time I run into her at home. I know no harm is intended, but I just doesn't help to make me feel better about myself.

Usually things like this don't bother me. With eczema, I've had to deal with red and blotchy skin my whole life--why let a little thing like this get to me? Probably because I have no idea what's going on and I can't control it. So far nothing I've done has had the slightest effect in reducing the redness or the puffiness.

Because of this, I've been a little introverted for the past few days. I'm the last one into class and the first one out and I don't participate if I don't have to in order to draw the least attention to myself. I've scrapped my usual study sessions at Tim Horton's so I won't worry about other people looking at me. I wear a hat and I pull it down low. I try not to make direct eye contact with anyone, even if I'm speaking to them. I've even avoided talking to anyone I don't absolutely have to in order to keep from having to explain my disfiguration again and again.

However, despite my hermitical behaviour, I agreed to be taken to see a movie tonight by Shmelly. Our arrival at the theatre was timed just right so that we were able to slide into our seats as the lights went down and I could take my hat off in the dark in order to watch the movie. But even as the opening credits began, I couldn't help but think about how horrid I might have looked to anyone who might have caught a peek at my red face and eyes.

But then, at a random moment of the film, my date took my hand into his and gave it a warm squeeze as he leaned over and kissed me softly on my head, whispering reassuring words into my hair.
For that moment and a while to follow, I forgot to be worried about how I looked.
For that moment and a while to follow, I felt back to normal.
For that moment and a while to follow, I felt warm and fuzzy.
For that moment and a while to follow, I remembered I was loved and that nothing else really mattered.

I'm human; I can't help but feel self-conscious about my own misshapeness. But it's nice to know that there are times I don't have to feel self-conscious about anything at all.