Washed away

I took a really long shower tonight. I hadn't meant to--it just sort of happened. Somewhere between lather, rinse, and repeat, I got lost in thought.

My birthday's at the end of this week. Traditionally, I have dinner with my family on the night of my actual birthday, so that wasn't weighing much on my mind. But all the other possible little details suddenly swept me up and away.

Should I have a party? Should I not have a party? If I did have a party, what should I do? Who should I invite? Ugh, if I have a party, I'll have to clean up after--even if I have help, I can't just sit around and not chip in. Will I get taken out somewhere special by someone special this year? Last year my someone special was sick and left to recover. If people ask me what I want this year, what will I say? I know I want a lot of books. I really don't need anything. Maybe a new volleyball too. Oh my god I'm getting old...wasn't my timeline to be married with kids by 30? Am I still going to make that timeline? Does it matter? Have I changed? Didn't this used to matter?

...and so on and so forth. But with more details, names, and dates. By the time I'd snapped out of it, I'd definitely rinsed, I hadn't repeated, and it felt like I'd been standing there under the stream of water for hours. I probably wasn't far off the mark; after I finally emerged, I wasn't the only one to feel as though I'd been in there for a long time.

It's just a birthday. Really it is. But sometimes you need to know that while it's special to you, you're not going to be the only one to notice.