Spanked by a sucker

The other day at work there was this cute little baby boy who was making a game out of chewing on his belongings and then throwing them on the floow as I walked by in order to get my attention and to get me to pick his stuff up for him. Of the things that he threw down, a wooden spoon caught my eye. I noticed it because it wasn't one of the toys that he'd started with, rather, his mother had produced it from her purse; presumably carrying it for him to chew on while teething. After noticing this, I walked over to the bar to talk to Monkey-Arm-Man.

    "Huh--that mom carries a wooden spoon in her purse for her kid to chew on."
    "Yeah, so?"
    "So, when my mother carried a wooden spoon in her purse it was to beat me with whenever I was disbehaving." MAM snickered. I continued. "No, seriously, my brother and I feared that thing. I sounds ridiculous now though, especially since it wasn't exactly a common form of corporal punishment. 'Do you want the spoon?!'"
    "My parents went the common way--I got the belt. That way, they always had it with them, and they wouldn't need to use words to threaten me to behave--they'd just start undoing the belt. The clinking sound of the buckle was enough to get us to behave."
    We both had a good yuk over these revelations, especially as MAM acted out the undoing of his belt in his usual comic way. We thought of all the other things that we'd also been threatened with: the bare hand, the 2x4, the classic switch, the baseball bat. At that point, we turned to Gypsy who'd been eavesdropping on our conversation as he worked.
    "What was the best thing you were beaten with as a kid?"
    "A live octopus."
What a winner.
...

And apparently this was all true. While living down where it was tropical, Gypsy's dad had been releasing an octopus into the water when Gypsy decided to say something smart. Smart enough to cause his dad to wheel around and smack him three solid times with that live octopus.

"Wasn't so live afterwards, was it?"

What killed me further was when MAM when on to ad-lib.

"Hey, where'd you get all those hickeys from?" *thwap* *pock pock pock pock pock* *thwap* *pock pock pock pock pock* *thwap* *pock pock pock pock pock*

Alright, it was funnier if you were there, but still, you can't beat that.